So I periodically find myself in a predicament. I'm sitting there, enjoying my cup of joe, having a staring contest with my computer monitor at work, and it hits me. I'm going to have to do the unthinkable.... drop the work deuce.
Now, I know for some people this isn't a big deal. For me, I used to love this scenario. I used to work in a large corporation, we had a huge building, something like 15 floors. With several bathrooms on each floor, the possibilities were endless, I personally never dropped the package off in the same place, had a nice rotation, you know, to keep things exciting. Also, it isn't exactly roses and fabreeze if you know what I mean, so I never tried to hit the same place twice.
I would load up on the free coffee, grab myself some leftover newspaper, and stalk my porcelain prey until I found something I could cozy on up to. The greatest part of the work deuce is that you are essentially getting paid to let one out of the old squeeze box... at one point I think I figured out I was getting paid $2.45 per deuce. Not bad if you ask me.
Now the ferry tale has ended. I now find myself in the nightmare scenario of all nightmare scenarios. I happen to work for a smaller company now, and we only have one depository per floor. In fact I can't even get into accounting upstairs to test out their facilities. To make maters worse it is a unisex bathroom, as in male and female use the same little room in there. Let me make it clear that this is the worst possible thing anyone could ever do ever ever ever. What the hell is management thinking?
Months go by before the inevitable happens...... let's just say there are reasons you don't pig out on sushi on your lunch break, anyways, I gotta go and I gotta go now. I try to get into accounting so I can drop in stealth mode, but of course, the door is closed, like what the hell are they hiding up there anyway?
I only have one choice. I won't go into much detail here, but this bathroom is maybe 3 feet by 3 feet, I mean it is SMALL. No windows, and some tiny little fan you'd find in a dollhouse. Safe to say I almost passed out. So my whole plan is to just sneak on out of there, but of course, I hear the dreaded jingle of the door handle... someone tries to open the door... I realize now that someone is going to be waiting outside. I stall, maybe two minutes, but realize that this is probably a bad idea, and of course, it was.
I open the door, and sure enough, guess who is standing there. Perhaps the only hot chick in the place, I mean she's really hot and likes to work out, has a bunch of hot friends, the kind of girl that would get drunk at the company Xmas party and make out with me. But guess what?
She runs in there, shuts the door, and BAM. It must of just consumed her. I hear coughing. I of course run back to my desk. I don't want to go down as the the guy that drops the nasty at work. But it is too late. She comes out all red faced, purely disgusted. I mean I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemies let alone a little nugget like this, and of course she tells everyone. She makes the rounds, letting everyone know she just walked into the cloud of doom, everyone knows, everyone I am sure is laughing their ass off.
My goal was to have a girlfriend by now, and the deadline has passed. This chick at work was about the only prospect I had, I pretty put all my eggs in this basket, and you fill in the blanks. This girl won't even come near me now. Even some dick at work that no one ever thought was EVER cool made some "oh I'm plugging my nose" gesture as he walked by my cubicle, and it was the highlight of every ones day. What a dick.
Safe to say from now on I am taking the time to walk across the street to the Wendy's and do my business there. Granted, it is a public facility, and has all the CONS of a public restroom, but you know what? When I leave, it is some stranger that has to deal with that nightmare in that room and not the HOTTEST CHICK AT WORK EVER.