How Stella Got Her Groove Back, almost

Stella! Stella is looking to get the groove back. I know that Stella was a girl, and I am not a girl, but you get the picture.

Thank all of you for the emails, I have been reading them on a regular basis. I have been so busy at work I haven't had a chance to update all of you. Well..... I have been out on a few dates. A co-worker set me up with a cousin(not my cousin you sick-o's, HIS COUSIN!), and that lasted two dates. Two Dates!!! You better believe I am stoked. That is a record for me. I have had plenty of just one date, but two dates. Making progress!

I won't get into specifics, but we both mutually decided to just be friends. Sometimes friends are better and less complicated. I'm not going to lie though I would have liked to be more than friends, but that just wasn't in the cards.

My delivery was smooth though, so I am getting much better at that. Took her to a little Italian Restaurant, and I really thought that was a classy move that would score major points, and it did, just not the thousands of points I thought I would rack up. You know, in the movies the hot shots always take the girls to an Italian Restaurant to "seal the deal" as they say. You know what? The only deal I sealed was with the waiter, and the deal went a little like this... "you need to pay me $95.65 for the food and drinks." Hell of a deal if you ask me, however, like I said, I thought I would get instant results. Apparently there is more to it than just taking a sweet gal out to dinner. You need to talk to her and make good conversation. And that is where things sort of unraveled, but I am getting better!!!! My friend at work mentioned that his cousin said I talked about my mom a little too much, I am still not sure what the hell he is talking about, I only mentioned her a couple of times. I also sort of invited her on a European vacation that I have been planning for years, which I don't think scared her. When I told her that I always wanted to propose to my soul mate in Italy, and that it would be cost effective and economical if this worked out and I could go to Europe with her and get to know her better AND propose at the same time........ she sort of freaked out a bit. But you know what, she didn't say she never wanted to see me again, so in my book that means we are friends. I don't mind being friends first!!

My other date was only a half date I guess. I had been writing this girl for about a week, things were going absolutely great. I had met her on Match.com and was pretty proud of myself. I was being coy and playful through the emails, and suggested we start text messaging. Sure enough, she agreed. How awesome am I? I was on top of the world. You have no idea what it was like to be at work around the conference table, waiting for the company meeting to start, and to have my phone start buzzing! No one ever really calls or texts me, so it was a huge deal. I looked down and saw that it was her saying hello, and my face turned bright red! The dickhead across from me (I have mentioned this A-hole in an earlier post) starts needling me, so I blurt out that it was my girlfriend. So for a week everyone thought I had a girlfriend. So far, so good! Well we text back and forth for a couple days, and finally I get the courage to call her. She said her name was Alexis. Sounds hot!! Well I make the mistake (I had no idea this was a mistake at the time) to call her from my work line. I didn't think it was a big deal, until a guy answers, and I got scared and hung up. I'm figuring that it was her Dad, or brother or something. But I don't want to look stupid, so I say nothing to her. We sent a few more texts, and then I get the courage to ask her out on a date. THREE DAYS GO BY BEFORE I GET A RESPONSE! THREE DAYS! She finally texts me back and said her Grandpa was sick, and I believe her. She agrees to meet me at the mall in front of the food court on a Saturday afternoon at precisely 2 pm. Well I wait and I wait and I FRIGGIN wait some more!!!!! And no Alexis. The bummer is that I bragged my ass off at work about my date to everyone, so everyone on Monday is expecting some juicy story. Well I go home and am pretty pissed off, so I decide to google search her email. Nothing. I then go search facebook for the email, nothing. I then go search the email at Myspace....... and................

The profile that pops up is for a 42 year old MAN named Alex. So looks like the mystery of the guy's voice when I called is solved. So am I a little pissed? Yeah. Am I FURIOUS? YOU BETCHA!!!!!!!!!!

You may be asking yourself at this moment, why would the furious gnome in all his glory ever repeat this story to anyone. Well, I feel I need to let everyone know that this kind of shit happens. You can never know who you are truly communicating with on this damn Internet. I mean, what if I had actually met this guy? This is like one of those messed up movies on Lifetime were someone goes missing. Jesus!

So I am over the whole Internet dating thing for now. Profile has been deleted on match.com. For now, I am back to meeting people in person.

So next stop on my quest for a girlfriend.... drum roll please!

The good ol fashioned bar scene. Alas, I am off!

Change is coming you A-holes!

Change is coming! Can you feel it! I know I can. This badass to the right happens to be my next president. And you can bet your ass I voted for him!

Here he is at a rally telling the crowd that "short people have feelings, they are contributing members to society, and frankly, sometimes I wish I was a little smaller!"

So for you hate mongers out there, we smaller folk have a president in our corner that cares, and will bring a whole lot of change come January!

I am failing to find the match on match.com

So far not so good. I have been patient, very patient. I have a very clever post up there about myself. Picture is absolutely fantastic. I look a lot like Leonardo DiCaprio when he was younger, like when he was 10. Ha Ha, that was a joke. No seriously I look like him when he was in his early 20's. I wish I looked like Frank Sinatra, if I could just sing like him, oh boy oh boy!

So if it is not the pic, and not the amazing bio I have wrote about myself, perhaps it is the fact that I put my true height down.

You know, I debated this one. I actually read several articles about this (yes, people published articles about short people and their experiences with online dating) and all the articles all said the same thing.... DON'T FRIGGIN LIE!

You could imagine what would happen if I put down there that I was 6 foot, and then showed up a foot shorter than advertised to a blind date. Safe to say the girl would be pissed. I don't know why, I mean I'm just as much a lover at 5 feet as I would be 6 feet. Sure it would look really strange but I would be game if she was. Don't horse jockey's date like supermodels? Well, I'm built like a horse jockey. In fact I am actually pretty damn tall for a horse jockey. Why the hell do horse jockey's get all the hot chicks? That ISN'T FRIGGIN FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways I am a real patient person. Keep sending in those emails, I got a whole bunch of them when I was out of town, so I will be answering them in the next few weeks. Until then, keep those heads high in GNOME NATION.