How Stella Got Her Groove Back, almost

Stella! Stella is looking to get the groove back. I know that Stella was a girl, and I am not a girl, but you get the picture.

Thank all of you for the emails, I have been reading them on a regular basis. I have been so busy at work I haven't had a chance to update all of you. Well..... I have been out on a few dates. A co-worker set me up with a cousin(not my cousin you sick-o's, HIS COUSIN!), and that lasted two dates. Two Dates!!! You better believe I am stoked. That is a record for me. I have had plenty of just one date, but two dates. Making progress!

I won't get into specifics, but we both mutually decided to just be friends. Sometimes friends are better and less complicated. I'm not going to lie though I would have liked to be more than friends, but that just wasn't in the cards.

My delivery was smooth though, so I am getting much better at that. Took her to a little Italian Restaurant, and I really thought that was a classy move that would score major points, and it did, just not the thousands of points I thought I would rack up. You know, in the movies the hot shots always take the girls to an Italian Restaurant to "seal the deal" as they say. You know what? The only deal I sealed was with the waiter, and the deal went a little like this... "you need to pay me $95.65 for the food and drinks." Hell of a deal if you ask me, however, like I said, I thought I would get instant results. Apparently there is more to it than just taking a sweet gal out to dinner. You need to talk to her and make good conversation. And that is where things sort of unraveled, but I am getting better!!!! My friend at work mentioned that his cousin said I talked about my mom a little too much, I am still not sure what the hell he is talking about, I only mentioned her a couple of times. I also sort of invited her on a European vacation that I have been planning for years, which I don't think scared her. When I told her that I always wanted to propose to my soul mate in Italy, and that it would be cost effective and economical if this worked out and I could go to Europe with her and get to know her better AND propose at the same time........ she sort of freaked out a bit. But you know what, she didn't say she never wanted to see me again, so in my book that means we are friends. I don't mind being friends first!!

My other date was only a half date I guess. I had been writing this girl for about a week, things were going absolutely great. I had met her on Match.com and was pretty proud of myself. I was being coy and playful through the emails, and suggested we start text messaging. Sure enough, she agreed. How awesome am I? I was on top of the world. You have no idea what it was like to be at work around the conference table, waiting for the company meeting to start, and to have my phone start buzzing! No one ever really calls or texts me, so it was a huge deal. I looked down and saw that it was her saying hello, and my face turned bright red! The dickhead across from me (I have mentioned this A-hole in an earlier post) starts needling me, so I blurt out that it was my girlfriend. So for a week everyone thought I had a girlfriend. So far, so good! Well we text back and forth for a couple days, and finally I get the courage to call her. She said her name was Alexis. Sounds hot!! Well I make the mistake (I had no idea this was a mistake at the time) to call her from my work line. I didn't think it was a big deal, until a guy answers, and I got scared and hung up. I'm figuring that it was her Dad, or brother or something. But I don't want to look stupid, so I say nothing to her. We sent a few more texts, and then I get the courage to ask her out on a date. THREE DAYS GO BY BEFORE I GET A RESPONSE! THREE DAYS! She finally texts me back and said her Grandpa was sick, and I believe her. She agrees to meet me at the mall in front of the food court on a Saturday afternoon at precisely 2 pm. Well I wait and I wait and I FRIGGIN wait some more!!!!! And no Alexis. The bummer is that I bragged my ass off at work about my date to everyone, so everyone on Monday is expecting some juicy story. Well I go home and am pretty pissed off, so I decide to google search her email. Nothing. I then go search facebook for the email, nothing. I then go search the email at Myspace....... and................

The profile that pops up is for a 42 year old MAN named Alex. So looks like the mystery of the guy's voice when I called is solved. So am I a little pissed? Yeah. Am I FURIOUS? YOU BETCHA!!!!!!!!!!

You may be asking yourself at this moment, why would the furious gnome in all his glory ever repeat this story to anyone. Well, I feel I need to let everyone know that this kind of shit happens. You can never know who you are truly communicating with on this damn Internet. I mean, what if I had actually met this guy? This is like one of those messed up movies on Lifetime were someone goes missing. Jesus!

So I am over the whole Internet dating thing for now. Profile has been deleted on match.com. For now, I am back to meeting people in person.

So next stop on my quest for a girlfriend.... drum roll please!

The good ol fashioned bar scene. Alas, I am off!

Change is coming you A-holes!

Change is coming! Can you feel it! I know I can. This badass to the right happens to be my next president. And you can bet your ass I voted for him!

Here he is at a rally telling the crowd that "short people have feelings, they are contributing members to society, and frankly, sometimes I wish I was a little smaller!"

So for you hate mongers out there, we smaller folk have a president in our corner that cares, and will bring a whole lot of change come January!

I am failing to find the match on match.com

So far not so good. I have been patient, very patient. I have a very clever post up there about myself. Picture is absolutely fantastic. I look a lot like Leonardo DiCaprio when he was younger, like when he was 10. Ha Ha, that was a joke. No seriously I look like him when he was in his early 20's. I wish I looked like Frank Sinatra, if I could just sing like him, oh boy oh boy!

So if it is not the pic, and not the amazing bio I have wrote about myself, perhaps it is the fact that I put my true height down.

You know, I debated this one. I actually read several articles about this (yes, people published articles about short people and their experiences with online dating) and all the articles all said the same thing.... DON'T FRIGGIN LIE!

You could imagine what would happen if I put down there that I was 6 foot, and then showed up a foot shorter than advertised to a blind date. Safe to say the girl would be pissed. I don't know why, I mean I'm just as much a lover at 5 feet as I would be 6 feet. Sure it would look really strange but I would be game if she was. Don't horse jockey's date like supermodels? Well, I'm built like a horse jockey. In fact I am actually pretty damn tall for a horse jockey. Why the hell do horse jockey's get all the hot chicks? That ISN'T FRIGGIN FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways I am a real patient person. Keep sending in those emails, I got a whole bunch of them when I was out of town, so I will be answering them in the next few weeks. Until then, keep those heads high in GNOME NATION.

putting it on the line

So I just got back from a little vacation up north, it was incredible. I had a lot of free time to do some soul searching. I was also looking for some cute girls, but came up empty handed, and went home being in the same spot I was before I left.

So I did some thinking, and I went ahead and put it all on the line....

I signed up for Match.com. I'm not sure what to expect, but I have a great feeling about this.

I got a great pic up there, wrote some funny things about me, and put it all on the line.

Now I know everyone is going to hunt for me on there, and I'm sure I could make it a lot easier if I just told you all where to find my profile, but you know what?

I don't mix pleasure and blog.

Let's dip into the mail bag, shall we?!?

I would just like to dedicate some time to all the support I have gotten over this blog. The emails have been pouring in, and a lot of you have some great things to say. I would like to share a few emails with all of you that really spoke volumes of the understanding and sincerity of my fellow blog readers.

James from Nebraska wrote: "Hey little fella! Love your blog. Love everything about you. You seem like a great guy, don't worry about that girlfriend thing, they will be running after you before you know it!"

What a nice guy! James, I'm giving you a shout out on the blog. I think your cool too! When I finally win the lotto (It is in the works ladies and gentleman) you kind sir will have a seat on the plane on our way to paradise.

Beth from New York wrote: "I was tearing up and giggling at work reading your account of Pretty in Pink! Great outline of the movie, I just love that movie! However I loved the dress she came up with, don't forget that she didn't have much to work with, I mean her Dad couldn't really afford to get her a proper dress. Anywhoo, you keep writing and I'll keep reading!"

Wow Beth, thank you so much for writing in. I think that is awesome you loved my account of Pretty in Pink. You sound really attractive. How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Do you have a boyfriend? Do you want one? Because I am 100% single and ready to mingle. Think about it and get back to me. We are going to have to agree to disagree with the dress that she wears in the end though. Promise me that if and when we start dating you won't wear anything like that. Granted, I would let a girl wear a garbage bag out on a date with me if that would mean I would get to go on a date with a girl (I'M NOT DESPERATE IT'S JUST THAT I THINK A GARBAGE BAG WOULD BE HOTTER THAN THAT DRESS SHE WEARS IN THE END). I can agree with you 100% about her dad there, total deadbeat. Get a job!!!!! Loser!!!!!!! So we have something in common there hating her dad. You used the word anywhoo, that kind of makes me think that you are a little bit older, which isn't a big deal, I'm way into older chicks. Get in contact with me. Immediately.

Chris from California wrote: "Furious Gnome! You have an interesting sense of humor. Or at least I am hoping you have some kind of sense of humor and this isn't just you being you. But if it is that is cool I guess."

You know what Chris? I agonized over this one for awhile. I couldn't decide if it was a compliment or you were calling me a queer in some way. I favored caution here and thought that you were paying me a compliment. Thank you by the way for the compliment. Sometimes I make some jokes on here, but for the most part I am just being me. I'm a straight shooter. Looking for a girlfriend. Let me know if you know anyone who is looking for a boyfriend, as I also live in California. I'm willing to drive a little if necessary, like maybe 200-700 miles if need be. So don't let geography keep me and my future gal apart. Keep me posted.

Those were pretty much the cream of the crop for the nice emails. I say "nice" emails because there is a particular person on the Internet who has sent me some very hurtful emails. His name is Mitch and he is from New Jersey. It is people like Mitch who give people from New Jersey a bad name, because I have been to New Jersey, it was beautiful. But assholes like this give it a bad name.

Mitch wrote: "Furious Douche. I used to kick people like you around my Jr. High and later High School for fun. You keep talking about a girlfriend, give it up. You will never have a girlfriend. You wrote 2,000 words on Pretty in Pink, come on! Who are you kidding? Your a midget. If I ever saw you, I would pick you up and recycle you in a trash can. You could have 10,000 match.com profiles and you would never get a date, let alone a girlfriend. World of Warcraft? Case in point, so why don't you spend more time in your anti-reality and stop polluting the Internet. We have enough Psychos on here as is. Die."

Wow Mitch. And I thought I was furious. Sure I get a little angry from time to time, but you have some serious issues. I chose to share your email because I believe that there must be some good in there inside you. Do you have a girlfriend? Prove it! Your probably single just like me sitting at home on a Thursday night hating life because you never left High School. While the rest of us went on to college and got degrees in Computer Science you stayed home lifting weights or playing football. World of Warcraft Hater! What's your problem with that game? It doesn't bother you. Or is it that you just don't understand computers? You hear mouse and you want to call an exterminator you freakin idiot! I got news for you Mitch. Your an asshole, and there are more of us nice people than there are of you, so you'll get what's coming to you. And what is coming to you? Absolutely nothing loser! And I'm not going to die! I'm going to keep on keepin on! So go crawl back under the rock you came from in New Jersey. AND I'M NOT A MIDGET! DON'T CALL ME A MIDGET! I'M FIVE FEET TALL, THAT IS NOT A MIDGET!

Gosh, what a dick. Anyways, or anywhoo as Beth the hottie wrote, Mitch gave me an incredible idea. I think I'm going to give this online dating thing a try. And since Mitch spoke so highly of match.com, I think I will start there. I am going to remain optimistic, because personally I think I'm going to need 9,999 less accounts then he thinks. I'll keep all my loyal readers of GNOME NATION out there updated on my success.

Keep sending in those emails!

so i watched pretty in pink big freaking deal

So I told some coworkers that I watched this movie pretty in pink last night, they gave me a lot of crap for this. I had never seen it. It was on cinemax so I thought I would check it out, I mean they gave it like 3 stars. Also the only other thing on was Footloose and I just wasn't feeling Kevin Bacon. No offense to Kevin Bacon, just not right now, OK?

So the movie is basically about this stalker guy that follows around Molly Ringwald, his name is Ducky and for 99% of the movie you can't help but loathe him. He shows up at her work, rides his bike outside her house 24-7, basic stalker shit here. He even pulls the fire alarm at her work, what an asshole.

The film centers around the juxtaposition of the wealthy snobs of the town and the wrong side of the track freaks of the 80's. Andrew Dice Clay is in it and is incredible in a well acted role as a club bouncer, played with great conviction and dedication to the character. Outstanding performance by Mr. Dice Clay.

Instantly my favorite character became this guy Steph, played by James Spader, it was a real easy choice for me. You can't help but like this guy, he's dating this blond chick (played by the tasty Kate Vernon), thinks he is super awesome, and puts everyone else around him down. The guy is a real badass, years later happened to unlock the Stargate in 3 days, and is an overall asshole. Case closed. Cool ass dude in my book.

My least favorite character of the movie is a toss-up. At first I would say Ducky, he is ultra annoying, has major stalker tendencies, and can't live with the fact that he is trapped in the FRIEND ZONE with Molly. Molly doesn't like him, not even one bit, she is into this guy Blane (Blane was a hugely popular name for yuppies to name their little yuppie children in the late 80's). Ducky also does a fantastic job of cockblocking Molly the entire damn movie. However, the dude totally redeems himself in the last 10 minutes of the movie. He picks a fight with Steph over some petty shit, Steph happened to understandably call Molly a slut because she wouldn't hook up with him, Ducky took offense, which makes sense since he is emotionally unstable and obsessed with Molly, and tackled the guy in the hall way of their high school. I scored the fight a draw from a fighting standpoint, Ducky got one solid hit in the face on Steph's jaw, a nice right hander, Steph had a solid defensive posture during the altercation. It got broken up at the most opportune time for Ducky though, since Steph was about to go on the offensive and kick the shit out of him.

At the very end, Blane gets Molly back (they had some lame fight), but he gets her back at the expense of Ducky. Ducky could have engaged in the ultimate of cockblocks and sent Blane packing, but instead sets Molly free to pursue Blane. Ducky is rewarded with a really hot chick at the end of the movie, at least 10 times better than Molly, so safe to say he has an even hotter chick to stalk up on for the foreseeable future.

The other character that I don't like is Molly's deadbeat dad. He can't hold down a job, and worse, lies about having a job. He spends his days drinking beer out of a cooler on his front lawn (nothing wrong with that if you have a job, any job!). I just don't like him, and I get the impression he smells like sour milk.

The movie is OK. However, Molly makes a very interesting dress to wear to the prom. She first destroys the prom dress that the chick from Ghost Busters gave her, I don't really think she knew the dress was going to get destroyed by Molly, and if she did my money is on she wouldn't have handed it over.

This dress is some kind of 1986 Halloween nightmare, a real train wreck of a dress. Look, I'm not into dresses or claim to have any kind of advanced knowledge of dresses, don't assume this. It's just a real scary outfit. I mean the movie is called Pretty in Pink, I just don't get where they get Pretty. I mean the redhead definitely grows on you throughout the movie and by the end your seeing some major potential here. But the dress......... I just wouldn't call it "pretty." It is more like "Very original in Pink." And calling it very original is being nice.

phil jackson aka phil donahue

Does anyone follow basketball? Any Laker fans out there? I'm into the Lakers. Been checking out the preseason, basketball god Phil Jackson has a new haircut. Been letting it grow out, all flowing like. He even trimmed the beard. There is a lot of speculation as to why the change, it could be a lot of things, fresh start, wanting to impress the younger ladies out there or even his girlfriend (happens to be Laker owners daughter) or something crazier. We may never know, or will we?

While watching some old VHS tapes, I cam across a few old episodes of Donahue. This guy had a 26 year run, incredible. Jackson must be invoking some Donahue no nonsense attitude to guide these Lakers. And you know what? These guys need it. Choke artists in the finals. Donahue wouldn't have let that crap happen, he would have ripped their hearts out through their asses if he had to. Donahue was the real deal, a talk show host assassin. So I get the Donahue haircut, I think it is badass and sends a message: don't mess with Phil Jackson, or the Lakers.

napoleon complex; what's the big deal?

People give me this crap all the time. Dude, you have a napoleon complex. Or, hey, Napoleon, you suck. Why does that suck? I don't get it. What's the big deal with having a "napoleon complex?"

For starters. wasn't Napoleon a respected general? I understand he was French, ok, that might be a bit of a strike against him for some people, not me, personally I love french fries, french toast, french bread, these things are fantastic. French food is OK.

He wears some outlandish clothes. I shop at Banana Republic, so I am not exactly wearing white pants and navy blazers. I have seen some guys walking out of that place dressed in an ensemble looking something like what old Napoleon is wearing up there. I don't here anyone yelling at them about some damn Napoleon complex.

This image to the right gets Napoleon the most trouble out of all. The infamous "invade Russia in the middle of winter" tactic. Not exactly the slam dunk of military maneuvers. For some weird reason, only Russians can operate in this cold. I don't know why, and I can't even begin to speculate the reasons, I really have no clue. You would think Eskimos or even Penguins could put the smack down on the Russians in this scenario, but no dice for either. The Russians just can't be beat.

Where does the complex come from? Is it that Napoleon was a little guy, and acted a certain way? Was he like a little pit bull, a fighter that demanded respect? That must be what you all mean when you say, "hey, Napoleon, go put on your silly little hat!" But that doesn't make much sense. The way you all say it makes it sound like Napoleon was a straight up b*tch.

Look, I'm a tough guy because I need to be. If I wasn't, I'd get my ass kicked all the time. People would pick me up and toss me into things just for fun. Great fun for all, but not so much fun for me.

I have goals. I have great plans in the near future. One of those is to get a girlfriend. Then it won't matter even if I dress like Napoleon and start invading things, who cares.

Another goal of mine is to win the lotto. Still working on that one.

i'm just not into Tom Cruise

So I'm not really into Tom Cruise. People get give me a lot of crap for this. Hey he's a little guy like you, how can you hate on another vertically challenged dude? Look everyone, I just don't like him.

Why?

Katie Holmes.

But Mr. Gnome, how can you hate your own kind? Shouldn't all you smurfs stick together? Isn't that like Wesley Snipes hating on Danny Glover for being black? Well for starters, that isn't even a valid comparison, because both Wesley Snipes and Danny Glover can slam dunk a basketball, which I and Tom Cruise of course can't do unless we had a trampoline or some kind of rope suspension system that could pull one of us up there.

Oh, Mr. Gnome your enforcing some kind of stereotype saying they can slam dunk. Well, no I'm not!!!

Ever seen white men can't jump? Wesley Snipes can definitely slam dunk a basketball, and he rubs it in Woody Harrelson's face the whole damn movie.

Well what about Danny Glover? So your saying he can slam dunk too? Well Yes! Ever seen Predator 2? The dude kicked the piss out of the predator, I mean Apollo Creed couldn't do it in Predator 1 and Apollo is one ripped dude in Rocky, so safe to say if I was a betting man I would bet that Danny Glover could slam dunk a basketball, case closed.

Defeating Predator = Monster Jam Slam dunk

As I was saying, I'm not going to even begin to get onto Tom's religious beliefs. I'm even into Sci-fi but seriously that stuff is OUT there. I don't need any lawsuits, so I'll end it. Also for Katie's sake I don't want any beef with Tom, I respect her as a person. She was hot in that movie Go. Way hot. Pre Tom Cruise Katie Holmes just couldn't be beat. Dawson's Creek? That shit almost made me go out and by a row boat, I'm not kidding.

Tom Cruise cannot slam dunk a basketball. He can of course couch jump. Ever tried this? It's actually kind of fun. I did it as a kid, but doing it now is kind of exhilarating, give it a try sometime. I'm not so sure though doing it on national television on Oprah is a good idea, especially if people are starting to question your sanity. Now I don't think Oprah can slam dunk. But I can guarantee you this, she is built like a line backer, I'd take her on my flag football team any day before I took Tom Cruise.

So as I have clearly explained, and given plenty of hard evidence as to why, it should be easy to see why I'm just not into Tom Cruise, I mean I doubt I am the only person who has ever thought that Dustin Hoffman and Tom Cruise should have switched places on Rainman..... now Tom just be yourself! Hell of an actor!

dropping the work deuce

So I periodically find myself in a predicament. I'm sitting there, enjoying my cup of joe, having a staring contest with my computer monitor at work, and it hits me. I'm going to have to do the unthinkable.... drop the work deuce.

Now, I know for some people this isn't a big deal. For me, I used to love this scenario. I used to work in a large corporation, we had a huge building, something like 15 floors. With several bathrooms on each floor, the possibilities were endless, I personally never dropped the package off in the same place, had a nice rotation, you know, to keep things exciting. Also, it isn't exactly roses and fabreeze if you know what I mean, so I never tried to hit the same place twice.

I would load up on the free coffee, grab myself some leftover newspaper, and stalk my porcelain prey until I found something I could cozy on up to. The greatest part of the work deuce is that you are essentially getting paid to let one out of the old squeeze box... at one point I think I figured out I was getting paid $2.45 per deuce. Not bad if you ask me.

Now the ferry tale has ended. I now find myself in the nightmare scenario of all nightmare scenarios. I happen to work for a smaller company now, and we only have one depository per floor. In fact I can't even get into accounting upstairs to test out their facilities. To make maters worse it is a unisex bathroom, as in male and female use the same little room in there. Let me make it clear that this is the worst possible thing anyone could ever do ever ever ever. What the hell is management thinking?

Months go by before the inevitable happens...... let's just say there are reasons you don't pig out on sushi on your lunch break, anyways, I gotta go and I gotta go now. I try to get into accounting so I can drop in stealth mode, but of course, the door is closed, like what the hell are they hiding up there anyway?

I only have one choice. I won't go into much detail here, but this bathroom is maybe 3 feet by 3 feet, I mean it is SMALL. No windows, and some tiny little fan you'd find in a dollhouse. Safe to say I almost passed out. So my whole plan is to just sneak on out of there, but of course, I hear the dreaded jingle of the door handle... someone tries to open the door... I realize now that someone is going to be waiting outside. I stall, maybe two minutes, but realize that this is probably a bad idea, and of course, it was.

I open the door, and sure enough, guess who is standing there. Perhaps the only hot chick in the place, I mean she's really hot and likes to work out, has a bunch of hot friends, the kind of girl that would get drunk at the company Xmas party and make out with me. But guess what?

She runs in there, shuts the door, and BAM. It must of just consumed her. I hear coughing. I of course run back to my desk. I don't want to go down as the the guy that drops the nasty at work. But it is too late. She comes out all red faced, purely disgusted. I mean I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemies let alone a little nugget like this, and of course she tells everyone. She makes the rounds, letting everyone know she just walked into the cloud of doom, everyone knows, everyone I am sure is laughing their ass off.

My goal was to have a girlfriend by now, and the deadline has passed. This chick at work was about the only prospect I had, I pretty put all my eggs in this basket, and you fill in the blanks. This girl won't even come near me now. Even some dick at work that no one ever thought was EVER cool made some "oh I'm plugging my nose" gesture as he walked by my cubicle, and it was the highlight of every ones day. What a dick.

Safe to say from now on I am taking the time to walk across the street to the Wendy's and do my business there. Granted, it is a public facility, and has all the CONS of a public restroom, but you know what? When I leave, it is some stranger that has to deal with that nightmare in that room and not the HOTTEST CHICK AT WORK EVER.

thanks anyways old lady

So I find myself this last weekend checking out a baseball game, you know, America's past time. Why not. Personally I'm there for the Nachos and $8 beer, but who cares, right?

As a plus, I am told by those that know of such things, that it is a fan appreciation night. That means I am getting something for free, and granted, I'm not struggling and looking for handouts, but I can't say no to something really cool for free.

As we get out of the car, the free item has become rather obvious. Bad ass T-shirts, that say fan appreciation on them, so everyone will know when you wear it that you were there and they were not. Your friends will be super jealous, and the girls are going to go crazy for it.

So we get in line, show our tickets, and now it is time to get our free shirt!!! But you know what? I get handed what seems like an XXXXXXL T-shirt that wouldn't even fit Tommy Lasorda AFTER the weight watchers. Are you kidding me? So I ask this 192 year old person handing these out, "hey, you got anything here smaller than a freaking para sail?" And I get this, "would you prefer a child size?" A CHILD SIZE SHE SAYS. You know, this sort of thing doesn't bother me. Don't care, not going to get all worked up over B. Arthur or whatever the hell Golden Girl she looked like, I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My face might say I'm PISSED OFF and I may be a little redder in the face than usual (i got sunburned the day before is why) but trust me on the inside I am cool and composed. But you know what R-TARD is standing directly behind me??? Some underachieving FRAT BOY and the rest of his Neanderthal drunk friends... And of course they heard this exchange. So Alpha Male starts laughing and laughing. One of his friends with an IQ of ZERO makes some kind of comment like "awww is it going to cry?"

I think to myself, dear God turn me into the most badass ninja from feudal China and give me the strength to go DOUBLE DRAGON on these guys, give me the ability to impress EVERY GIRL in this stadium with powerful scissor kicks and swift and precise punches, and please don't let me break my glasses in the process (I am out of contacts right now, I don't want any glasses jokes!!!!!!! THIS ISN'T JR. HIGH) But you know what? I don't resort to violence. At least not in this world. I will go Mike Tyson on someone online, such as in this little game called WORLD OF WARCRAFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And besides, its not like I'm going to tell these brainiac frat boys to find me online and I will make you all sorry! I doubt they even play WOLRD OF WARCRAFT, and if they did I HIGHLY HIGHLY doubt they would give me their screen names, for obvious fear induced reasons of course. And even if they they did play, and they were very stupid enough to tell me how to find them in the WARCRAFT UNIVERSE, even asking them would confuse the old lady handing out big shirts, she would probably ask a billion stupid questions like what's that, what's a computer, how does electricity work. WHATEVER!!!!!!!

So I leave these guys and put it behind me, since it doesn't bother me, I mean not even one bit does it bother me. I have a HUGE shirt now. I was thinking I could turn it into kind of a muscle shirt, you know, cut the sleeves off and maybe some of the length and show some skin. I don't know, I am sure it will be a collector item someday, and if I'm not going to open my Super Man Dies comic in the Black Packaging then I sure as hell can't destroy this shirt. If and let me stress WHEN I get myself another girlfriend, I guess she can wear it around the house or to bed or something.

so why call yourself the furious gnome?

I've gotten a lot of emails from the blog asking me, so hey, what's up with your blogs name?


Well.... a joke I have heard before, actually I guess I was the joke, anyways someone called me a gnome once, and with the group of people I was with at that time it just really sticked. I didn't get that upset, I mean, gnomes aren't necessarily a bad thing, right? They seem to be real jolly people,not a care in the world. These guys over here to the right happen to have joined up in a band and are having the time of their lives. Lucky Gnomes! Who wouldn't want the fame, fortune, that come with being in a band.



So after awhile, let's just estimate I'd say about TEN years of gnome jokes and references, surprise gifts (who wraps up garden gnomes anyway?), and joke after joke after joke, I drew a line in the sand. The gnome to the left is simulating a JUDO chop to an adversary, excellent form by the way. Wile Martial Arts training has taken a back seat to other developments in my life, I have instead chosen to hone my skills in the WORLD OF WARCRAFT!!

Now I would embrace what those used against me, I would become, the FURIOUS GNOME!

who i am

I'm a hard working, tax paying, American man who also happens to be five feet tall. But that doesn't make me any less American, doesn't mean I pay less taxes. And I have an important job, I just don't work seasonally at the mall or as some hurtful folk like to say at the North Pole!! Pay respect to us tiny folk!! I realize that is not much of a threat, but you understand where I'm coming from.

Still, even with me being a very understanding and tolerable person, I can still get a little UPSET when people show no class. Examples of people saying things with NO CLASS are things like, hey little guy, I didn't know they make suits that small. Or look at that midget! I'M NOT A MIDGET! FIVE FEET TALL IS NOT BEING A MIDGET!

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with midgets, I'm not saying that. In fact I used to Tivo Little People Big World, I loved that show. I like midgets, like I said I am a very very tolerable and understanding person. Just don't call me a midget, OK?

It would blow your mind how many successful people there are out there who are on the smaller side. In fact, I think there should be a month dedicated throughout the year to smaller stature indviduals, we could even have a few days off work, now who wouldn't mind that?

Does being five feet tall bother you? If I had a quarter for everytime I heard that, I could buy enough computers to have a super computer. I would use it to win the lotto, buy a nice car, and date super models as a hobby. See this girl to the right? Something gives me the feeling that she wouldn't be impressed with my Ford Focus, despite the fact that I have a navigation system and leather seats, upgrades of course. So I am left with the realization that I really need to win the lotto.

But to answer the question, does being five feet tall bother you, well, NOOOOOOOOOOO! SO STOP ASKING ME THAT QUESTION!!!! It's getting old.

To wrap it up, If you play World of Warcraft, I'll see you out there, you better watch out!