gary coleman is sick

Fellow angry and most definitely furious gnome Gary Coleman is in a Los Angeles hospital today, after complaining that he wasn't feeling well. News reports are saying that he suffered a mild seizure, very scary stuff here for Gary.

The news report said he is 41 years old. I thought he was younger than that, but one of the advantages of being of smaller stature is that you look younger, and Gary is a little over 3 feet tall, making him look 12-24 years old depending on how much you've had to drink.



Probably one of the most under appreciated actors of his era, Gary has had his ups and downs throughout his life. He exploded onto the Hollywood A-List actor scene with his breakout role as Arnold Jackson on TV's hottest show Different Strokes.



The show was not without controversy, as several prominent child rights activists of the time criticized the show for not using a child actor for the role of Arnold, arguing that Gary Coleman was 32 years old playing the role of a 5 year old. A lawsuit resulted, seeking an injunction to stop taping new episodes, but a judge ruled in favor of the show, stating that "Mr Coleman, in light of his lack of employment options in the very competitive entertainment industry, should use his gift to make an honest living, because let's face it, he's kinda creepy, and wouldn't exactly be able to play someone his own age, unless the character lived next to a nuclear reactor that had a meltdown or something crazy like that."



The show went on and had a 10 year run, achieving incredible success internationally. The country of Bulgaria for example knighted Gary in 1986. This would be the high water mark for the decade of the 80's. Following the cancellation of the show in 1989, Gary went into a tailspin in his pursuits to stay in the lime light. Seeking the spotlight once more, Gary and his agent wanted to reinvent the whole Gary Coleman image.


In the early 90's, America's renewed obsession with cowboys and the South West lifestyle caught the interest of Gary and his agent. It has been rumored in some circles that Gary was narrowly beat out by Chuck Norris for the lead role in Walker, Texas Ranger. Gary had bet heavily that he would get this role, investing all his available assets in Cowboy hats and rancher style belt buckles.

Things were not looking good. Many thought it was over for Gary Coleman, but Gary never gave up. Facing circumstances that would discourage most, Gary, like most small people, overcame great adversity to achieve a renaissance of sorts. So began the Golden era of Gary's life, leading many to claim that Gary was back!


Gary got the comeback party started by buying himself a matching denim jacket and jean ensemble and one of the hottest cars on the market, the Saturn Sky high performance roadster. A lucrative commercial deal with Cash Call funded all of this, and put Gary back on primetime TV, even if it was only for 30 seconds at a time after 10 pm on some channels. With the right outfit, suggesting a tough yet sensitive side, and the drop top car, Gary was officially a chick magnet capable of pulling massive amounts of game like never before.

Many guys wanted to be him, and many guys girlfriends wanted to be with him.



Gary became somewhat of a sex symbol of the late 90's, with the ability to attract women with large breasts with ease that prompted many to proclaim him the Robert Redford of the X generation.

Things seemed to be going great for Gary once again. He didn't have a hit TV show, but his Cash Call commercials were putting money back in his pockets and he was getting an incredible amount of ass. But something wasn't right.

Gary felt unfulfilled. He had one of the hottest commercials out, a Saturn Sky drop top roadster, girls lining up out the door, but he didn't have that warm fuzzy feeling deep down on the inside that many call love.

What Gary wanted most was love. And love wanted Gary.




Gary found the girl of his dreams bowling one night in Memphis. His closest friends describe it as love at first sight, and despite Gary's incredible fame, he was able to find someone who appreciated him for him and not for his fame and money.

Marriage life has been challenging though, with Gary having to face many tough decisions. He eventually had to sell the Saturn Sky Roadster, and get something a little less flashy.

I'm hoping it all works out for Gary and that he can get himself out of the hospital and back into America's heart. And get him back his Saturn Sky too while we are at it. God bless you Gary. You are an inspiration to all people, tall and small.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

If this doesn't scare the hell out of you then you must have had Freddy Kruegar as a dad and Charles Manson as an uncle.

The complete and utter precision of these JUDO moves by Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin are terrifying.

Although this is a "sparring match," I can guarantee Putin had his sparring partner "put down" after the fight so he could not share any of his moves with his perceived enemies, real or imagined.

With such force and perfection are the JUDO moves, it has become obvious to me that Putin might be the most feared man in the world, second only to Tom Cruise circa Top Gun era.

Imagine a strike force of Putin on the ground, eliminating ground forces with extreme ease, and Maverick in the air, taking care of any enemy fighters in close range dog fights.

You have been warned world. There is a new badass in town, and his name is Vladimir Putin.

Superman, meet Kryptonite, with a side of Judo backhand across the face.

What really happened to Tiger.

Leave it to Asia to unravel this incredible escapade.

The CGI reenactment is absolutely priceless. It gets incredible at about 19 seconds.




I know what a lot of people are thinking. Oh he is famous. Girls throw themselves at him. But you know what? Dude has made a billion dollars playing golf of all things. He has a beautiful wife. Actually, she is beyond beautiful, and appears to be very supportive of her husband. She gave him two beautiful kids. What more could a guy ask for?

If the Asians are correct, and she attached Tiger for learning about his infidelity, and attacked him with claws of fury like the video suggests, and finished his Escalade off with a 3 wood...... she just got hotter in my book. Like lava.

And by the look of things, she could be on the open market real quick. I'm no mathmatician, but 50% of a billion dollars is enough to get my attention. Oh, and the blond hair, blue eyes thing, that gets my attention as well.

Do you wanna be my girlfriend?

This chick went completey nuts during a soccer game between New Mexico and BYU. Now, Mormons can get on peoples nerves, I get that, but this is something else.

After getting a cheap shot elbow to the ribs, this chick goes FURIOUS GNOME on the entire BYU girls soccer team.

I haven't seen this much ass kicking since Rambo First Blood part II.




My favorite part is when she grabs the pony tail of that chick and flips her on her back.

KICK ASS!

The Strongest Gnome in the World

The Furious Gnome salutes the winner for 2009, strongest Gnome in the World contest.

Meet Guliano Stroe, from Romania, who happens to be able to benchpress 225, not to mention that he is also only 6 years old! In his spare time, he likes to curl Chevy Malibu's and eat glass.

Jesus if I had this kids strength back in school, I could have shown all those jocks who was boss!

Now, I just watch in amazement, knowing full well that this 6 year old could easily kick my ass.

Japan is ready for space travel

I watched all 9+ minutes of this. It became apparent to me that Japan is ready for space travel.

If I had to fly to some distant galaxy, I would want to do it in a spaceship built by Japan.

After doing some research on the internet, I have learned that the Japanese are 4 to 5 years away from having a working Millennium Falcon prototype, which is capable of speeds in excess of 1.5 past light speed.

This picture was taken in a suburb outside of Tokyo, but is pretty much representative of any city in Japan.

Recent reports suggest robots will completely outnumber humans in Japan as early as 2021.

By 2030 robots will have completely colonized the moon, and will help in building the first Maki Yaki on Saturn's ice moon of Titan.

Safe to say when I want to buy my first robot, you can rest assured it will have been made in Japan.

All my research today on Japan taught me this: if you want to time travel, and can't afford a flying Doloreon, or don't have access to a Klingon Bird of Prey for a slingshot around the sun maneuver, you may just want to book yourself a plane ticket to Japan. 18 hours later, and you can find yourself in the year 2589.

And the Lord said, let there be Ron Artest

As Giddy as a schoolboy I am at this upcoming NBA season, and this picture encapsulates my utter joy. For starters, Ron Ron is a Laker. Awesome. Second, and not much of a secret, but Ron Ron is mentally unstable. To call him crazy would be an insult to crazy people.

No, Ron is a special crazy. Take a look at his mask. Crazy? Yes. But not that crazy for Ron.

What is really scary here is the genius who thought it would be a "good idea" to give Ron Artest a baseball bat. Gee, I wonder what he is going to do with that.

What makes this picture so special, is that Ron is looking into the eyes of someone right now, and you see how he is pointing at someone with that bat? Literally scaring the poo poo out of someone.

Am I excited for the season? Yes. Do I think Ron Artest will help the lakers win? Of course. Will I be surprised to see him at some point choke out Jack Nicholson? Absolutely not.

God bless you Ron Artest.

Duece smelling, by Doris Burke

Look, I like Doris Burke. I think she has done much for broadcasting. In fact, she happens to be an incredible announcer and color commentator. I like her interviews during the current NBA finals. She asks Phil Jackson good questions. She keeps her distance from Stan Van Gundy, obviously in fear he may "think" she has a butterfinger in her pocket and do something drastic. She is a good person, great journalist, and was a fantastic player in her younger days.

However, I find the following commentary during a college basketball game a little disturbing.



I don't know about you, but describing someone who is "good at smelling dueces" just isn't a great thing to announce on national television.

But that is just me.

the hottest sh*t out right now. Kobe is the best by Lil Wayne

Even the kobe haters have to admit, this shit is hot. Red hot.




Sick flow from Lil Wayne describing Kobe Bryant, the 5th element.

Perhaps my favorite song right now.

Lil Wayne, The Furious Gnome salutes you. From one small dude to another, this shit is hot.

Eminem gets ass in his face

Oh my I peed my pants on this one. Eminem is one badass furious gnome, I believe he is like 5-5. And generally pissed off. Famous for going off on Christina Aguilera, gay people, his kids mother, just about anyone is fair game for him.

Fake or not, slim shady gets an ass in his face from none other than Bruno, the Borat star who has a new movie coming out.

Just incredible.

More TNG

These got me all busted up. Laughing so hard my Mom was knocking on my bedroom door thinking I was "drinking too many redbulls again." Yeah right Mom. Just spending my time on youtube living the dream.

Here is Data in the mix for the Vulcan ambassador:



Deanna Troy laughs her ass off at Riker. Classic.

And this one with Picard giving his classic "B" performance.

Data goes all Furious Gnome on him....



Data drops the F bomb on the Captain and Riker has to slap him around a bit.

In case any of you are wondering, I still have no girlfriend, live at home with my parents, and have an abundance of free time.

But I have the job interview of a lifetime tomorrow. If I can pull this off and charm them, I will be set for the rest of my life.

Wish me luck!

Getting Down With The Next Generation

I loved Star Trek The Next Generation. This essentially made many of my Friday nights growing up. Loved this show.

Picard? Legit. Riker? Pimp a$$ player. Deanna Troy? My place or yours. Wesley Crusher? Dude, you got to kiss a very young and hot Ashley Jud in episode 106: The game. Major hotness.

Am I alone? I think not. This show in a lot of ways was more important than my high school education. In fact, check out this gem I found on youtube, a hot rap duo putting it on the line for TNG.



Check it, playas!

And if that wasn't enough, check this out:



This is my main man Picard getting down. Actually, it is a funny edit of a bunch of episodes and some movie Jean Luc was in.

Your welcome my friends.

An incredibly awkward four minutes

I like the Lakers. I like Hip Hop. I like Kobe Bryant.

I wish I could play for the Lakers, but I have no basketball skills. I would love to be a rap star, but my lyrical skills are amature at best. And let's face it folks, I am no Kobe. I can't exactly slam dunk a basketball.

In any case, since my love for Lakers-Hip Hop-Kobe is a well known fact, one would think I would love the following clip. Just to recap it for you, this is Kobe Bryant featuring Tyra Banks. Someone gave Kobe a microphone and put on some hip hop beats. Somehow Tyra shows up.

What follows is the most awkward moment of my life, 10 times more awkward than the time I peed my pants in 8th grade and had to wear my PE shorts for the rest of the day (which no one does unless you pee your pants)




Apparently Shaq was so jealous of how lame this was, that he could not let Kobe have all the fun.

Shaq's response:




Jesus Christ guys. Stick to basketball. Thanks.

And yes Shaq, you are quite outstanding. And modest.

The Philosopher Bruce Lee

In the quest for a girlfriend I believe channeling some inner Bruce Lee philosophy will help me in my quest.

Bruce Lee was incredible. After spending what felt like 5 days straight on youtube, I came across this gem.




At 1:25 is where the video really opens up. At that point Bruce is speaking directly to the viewer.

He wasn't only a master of Kung Fu, but a philosopher with a very unique style and interpretation of the things around him.

I would be lying if I said I never day dreamed about having the skills of Bruce Lee. They would be incredible handy for a guy like me, who often times finds himself in some compromising situations, real misunderstandings with people if you ask me.

Not two days ago I found myself in one of these situations while standing in line at Del Taco. I was in there around 2 pm, and the local high school just got out, huge mistake, because there were 2,000 kids in there. I wait and wait in line, (I have no car right now, hence this BS situation) and finally I'm like the next person and this football player dude just cuts in front of me. I didn't even see where he came from, but there he was.

The guy behind the counter sees all of this, and was wearing this look on his face that was like "hey you just cutted" which made the guy turn around and look at me. This is where the Bruce Lee in me would like to take over, and ask this punk if he would like to ENTER THE DRAGON and give him a scissor kick that would put him through the window, teaching him a lesson that you just can't CUT IN FRONT OF SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TOO. I understand I am not that imposing of a figure, but still, you can't be that dumb you don't understand the concept of a line moron.

I would say something like, "you picked on the wrong small guy my friend" and proceed to put on a martial arts display the likes which haven't been seen. Of course there would be some hot chick or something in there that would be impressed beyond imagination and would agree to multiple dates with me.

But I have no Bruce Lee skills. The jock stared at me, and I looked away. Granted, this kid is probably like 17 years old, but that doesn't change the fact that he could body slam me WWF style. I would be embarrassed, and it would feel just like High School again.

So I had to wait like 2 extra minutes to get my big fat chicken tacos. But I live another day.

Until then, I'm going to play more street fighter 2 and practice some moves.

The $5 foot long girl in the yellow gloves

Christ almighty I think your real hot. Why do they only show you for 2 seconds?

I really like your gloves too, not sure if anyone told you that. You look like your a lot of fun too. You have some dance moves. I like that. Would you like to earn $5 the hard way?

Let me introduce myself to you. I live at home with my parents. But they are cool I guess. I'm not technically working right now, but that is OK. Your doing commercials, so we would have some cash flow to get us through these tough times. All you need is love, right? And your paychecks of course.

At $5 a foot sweetheart, 25 bucks is all it takes to get me. Think about it.

The Genius of Ron Artest

I would like to take this opportunity to introduce a very special friend of mine, Mr. Ron Artest. The embodiment of what the furious gnome is all about. Here is a man with a plan. In the picture to the right, you can see Ron Ron getting to know somebody in his special way. You can almost hear him thinking, a twist of the wrist, and it will all be over... shhhhhhhhhhh, shhhhhhh, go to sleep.

I like this guy. A lot. Majorly Furious dude. Upset at all of mankind. Apocolypse Now.

In that movie Armageddon, Ron Artest played the role of the asteroid.

The NBA playoffs are going on right now, and everyone is talking about the Kobe Bryant / Ron Artest match up. Cool. Great. I'm thinking of some epic matchups here with Ron Artest.


Ron Artest vs. Alien. Now this is a hell of a match up. Alien has corrosive acid breath. Sneaky as all hell. Operates best in the confines of a spaceship, preferably one in deep space. But can it defend a pick and roll? No. Has alien ever been suspended by the league for an entire season? No. Can the alien bench press a dodge Neon? Hell no. Advantage Artest.


I'd like to see Captain Ron get into acting once he is done with shooty hoops. He would make the ultimate villain. If I was the director, I would berate him and insult him right before a scene, to get the juices going. Action! You know he would give the performance of a lifetime.

ESPN is reporting on the last Rockets / Lakers game. They pulled this quote from Ron:

"'Five Dollar Foot-long' is one of the best songs," Artest said. "That's a hot song. You've got the FreeCreditReport.com, and then 'Five Dollar Foot-long' comes on. When 'Five Dollar Foot-long' comes on, they should play that in the club. They should play all those in the club."

I'm not making this shit up. Do you understand why I consider this guy a genious now? Game 7 of the second round. Contract year for Mr. Artest. Matched up against one of the games greats in Kobe. His face says he wants to kill. His eyes burn an intense fire. But in his head?

Five, five, five dollar foot long!

You got to love this guy. Your a class act in my book Captain Ron.

Ron does have me thinking though, about that hot chick from the five dollar foot long commercial. More on that later.

playing the game

When your at a bar, and the bartender winks at you and flirts, it is natural to think that she is in to you. Your the best looking guy in the place, right? It seems like she is paying extra special attention to you. When she comes down to my section at the bar, she asks me first if I need another. The reality is your getting no extra attention. She comes down to your section of the bar because she has to. She asks if you need another because your drink is empty.

But these things, these don't concern a man when he is a couple deep at the local tavern. Without a doubt, bet the house on it certainty, this girl is into you. So you start with subtle stares that in all actuality are not so subtle. You try to make coy conversation and sound smooth and intelligent, when really your shouting. Loudly.

At this point, a common tendency is to develop some kind of unilateral relationship with this girl. And you know what? In the 15 minutes you've have known each other, things have been great. Confidence is back. With each would "you like a another?" and "so what are your plans for the weekend?" offerings of dialogue from this gorgeous bartender, your confidence swells, things are good. I'm back.

And then, when your basking in your accomplishments and patting yourself on the back, you notice out of the corner of your eye, that your most prized possession, is spending a little more time with the clean cut preppy guy at the end of the bar. And he tips. Big. So suddenly, your caught in a poker match for the attention of the bartender. You raise with a 3 dollar tip against his 2, he comes back with 4 for a 5 beer. Too rich for my blood! And she is gone. What could have been. Our children would have been beautiful.

In the grand scheme of things, the hot bartender went home alone. She probably has a boyfriend anyway, who works out and has a steady job. I sure know I need all of those things.

The great news is that tomorrow is a new day, and I can try again. Her shift starts at 3 PM.

I'm back!

Hello all my friends who love and support all that the furious gnome does!

Gnome, where the hell have you been?

Well, let me answer that very interesting question. I left all of you back in November; quick recap.... I was in need of a girlfriend, was trying out match.com and had dudes up on me, was SUPER BUSY at work, and generally pretty pissed off for no reason.

You might look at all this and feel sorry for me.... well.... don't! God came down from the heavens and opened up a doorway of opportunity for me. I had a series of events unfold that led me on a path of discovery and exploits of epic proportions.

Event #1 - I got laid off from my job. For the first week or so of this it was a bit of a nightmare, as I have these obligations, like rent. It is tough to go to your landlord and get him to understand that you can't make rent at the end of the month. In hindsight, if any of you ever can't pay rent, don't go tell your landlord. Wait until the end of the month when it is due. You will only piss the guy (or gal) off. So I told this asshole and he freaked out, reminded me that I was month to month, and he would like me to leave at the end of the month. I was going to hit up the parents, but now I didn't have that chance. So no job = no money = move back home with parents.

Event #2 - MY PARENTS DO NOT HAVE AN INTERNET CONNECTION WITH SUFFICIENT BANDWIDTH TO PLAY WORLD OF WARCRAFT. Enough said.

Event #3 - I FREAK THE HELL OUT. Look, I play a lot of online video games. It is how I deal with the stress and the rigors of everyday life. My parents gave me the option of paying for the internet myself, but I was broke as a joke. So that wasn't an option. Unemployment wasn't going to kick in for a month, so I was desperate.

Event #4 - A friend of mine who is completing his masters in London happened to hit me up on the blog. He mentioned that he had like 4 to 5 months off until the summer session started back up. He told me stories of epic tales of the women out there, most of them involved some kind of a girl from Eastern Europe, whatever the hell that meant. Anyways, this friend of mine was getting laid. Constantly. He aint no George Clooney either. So I'm thinking, hey, I got some free time here, no money, but if the money situation changed, maybe I could go to Europe and explore for a bit and try my hand out there. I told my parents and they basically said I was a moron and should instead be looking for "a steady job that pays well." WELL NOW HOW THE HELL IS THAT GOING TO GET ME A GIRLFRIEND? I HAD A GOD DAMN JOB AND I NEVER GOT LAID!!!!!!!!!!!

Event #4 - Further research on the European option revealed the dagger in the heart of the stay at home with my parents and look for a job scenario. I was checking out Italy, you know, great food, greater girls, when I realized that these Italians are all like 5 feet tall. Not all of them, but I mean a huge amount. And they all seemed pissed off and real up in your face kind of people. It suddenly clicked for me. Hey, that is me! I'm pissed off most of the time, love getting in peoples face from time to time, and I happen to also be about 5 feet tall...... And so the great adventure began to take shape. I was going to Europe to pursue my destiny.

Getting to Europe was not easy. I had to sell my Ford Focus. I sold it to a guy that lived down the street for a great price, and had enough left over to buy a ticket out there and have some spending cash. Granted, not enough to last me forever (I'm not going to Guatemala or something) but enough to have some fun. I thought I would spend a few weeks out there, enjoy the coast, have a few laughs.

So I leave for Europe. First stop, London. And boy was my friend right. Summer time, and the livin easy!

I made out with a girl the first week I was there. She looked like she had been drinking all day. Red in the face, slurring pretty bad. That's the thing out there, they are all a bunch of boosers. 9 am and the pubs are packed. My kind of place.

We travel to Amsterdam, for legal reasons I cannot disclose the amount of fun I had there (also my mom checks out the blog from time to time)

We make it out to Prague to check out this Eastern European Women thing, and the legends are true. Fish in the barrel scenario. Awesome beyond imagination. It was about this time I ran out of money. I had been having so much fun drinking and socializing that I wasn't aware that all this fun was costing a pretty penny. More like tens of thousands of pennies.

I was starting to get a little bummed about the money thing. I had options. Go home and back to the lame life I had, not a real sexy option if you ask me. Call my parents and ask for money, knowing I would get a NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Or, like all good things in life, wait for my destiny to come to me. And oh did it come.

My friend ends up through email correspondence finding out that another one of his Italian buddies would be holed up in his parents vacation home on the Italian Riviera. He basically said come on down and stay a few months. I of course was invited as well. In a moment I went to being some American bum in Europe to being the Last King of Italy. I take the last euros I had and get a ticket to Italy with my friend.

Finally, I was home. Short people all over the place in Italy. Food? Incredible. Girls? Forgiving of my looks. I seemed to have the most luck with the ones who did not have a master of the English language. I guess they thought all my World of Warcraft stories were tales of an NFL career or a Rockstar persona, who knows.

We spend a month just soaking in the Italian weather, it was winterish out there at the time but ask me if I really cared. It might as well have been paradise for me.

So I had the time of my life. I didn't really touch a computer for 3 months, other than the occasional email. And you know what? I'm better for it. There is a whole world out there to explore. I encourage all of you to get the hell out of America for a few months.

About the only thing that bothered me was the emails from Mitch from New Jersey. You may remember this guy from a few months back when I opened up the mail bag. I had maybe 200 to 300 emails regarding the blog (sorry for not getting back to all of you guys while I was in Europe, I was busy) but this Mitch asshole just kept emailing and emailing. I got into an email war with him, finally having to just send him to my junk email for now. I have since sent him some photos of me with the girls I was hanging out with out there, but his response was any dork like me has mastered photoshop. Well screw you Mitch! They were real, and I do have a master of photoshop, just didn't use it this time!

So now I'm back in the States. Without a car, but with plenty of stories.

Have a good week gnome nation.

the furious gnome

How Stella Got Her Groove Back, almost

Stella! Stella is looking to get the groove back. I know that Stella was a girl, and I am not a girl, but you get the picture.

Thank all of you for the emails, I have been reading them on a regular basis. I have been so busy at work I haven't had a chance to update all of you. Well..... I have been out on a few dates. A co-worker set me up with a cousin(not my cousin you sick-o's, HIS COUSIN!), and that lasted two dates. Two Dates!!! You better believe I am stoked. That is a record for me. I have had plenty of just one date, but two dates. Making progress!

I won't get into specifics, but we both mutually decided to just be friends. Sometimes friends are better and less complicated. I'm not going to lie though I would have liked to be more than friends, but that just wasn't in the cards.

My delivery was smooth though, so I am getting much better at that. Took her to a little Italian Restaurant, and I really thought that was a classy move that would score major points, and it did, just not the thousands of points I thought I would rack up. You know, in the movies the hot shots always take the girls to an Italian Restaurant to "seal the deal" as they say. You know what? The only deal I sealed was with the waiter, and the deal went a little like this... "you need to pay me $95.65 for the food and drinks." Hell of a deal if you ask me, however, like I said, I thought I would get instant results. Apparently there is more to it than just taking a sweet gal out to dinner. You need to talk to her and make good conversation. And that is where things sort of unraveled, but I am getting better!!!! My friend at work mentioned that his cousin said I talked about my mom a little too much, I am still not sure what the hell he is talking about, I only mentioned her a couple of times. I also sort of invited her on a European vacation that I have been planning for years, which I don't think scared her. When I told her that I always wanted to propose to my soul mate in Italy, and that it would be cost effective and economical if this worked out and I could go to Europe with her and get to know her better AND propose at the same time........ she sort of freaked out a bit. But you know what, she didn't say she never wanted to see me again, so in my book that means we are friends. I don't mind being friends first!!

My other date was only a half date I guess. I had been writing this girl for about a week, things were going absolutely great. I had met her on Match.com and was pretty proud of myself. I was being coy and playful through the emails, and suggested we start text messaging. Sure enough, she agreed. How awesome am I? I was on top of the world. You have no idea what it was like to be at work around the conference table, waiting for the company meeting to start, and to have my phone start buzzing! No one ever really calls or texts me, so it was a huge deal. I looked down and saw that it was her saying hello, and my face turned bright red! The dickhead across from me (I have mentioned this A-hole in an earlier post) starts needling me, so I blurt out that it was my girlfriend. So for a week everyone thought I had a girlfriend. So far, so good! Well we text back and forth for a couple days, and finally I get the courage to call her. She said her name was Alexis. Sounds hot!! Well I make the mistake (I had no idea this was a mistake at the time) to call her from my work line. I didn't think it was a big deal, until a guy answers, and I got scared and hung up. I'm figuring that it was her Dad, or brother or something. But I don't want to look stupid, so I say nothing to her. We sent a few more texts, and then I get the courage to ask her out on a date. THREE DAYS GO BY BEFORE I GET A RESPONSE! THREE DAYS! She finally texts me back and said her Grandpa was sick, and I believe her. She agrees to meet me at the mall in front of the food court on a Saturday afternoon at precisely 2 pm. Well I wait and I wait and I FRIGGIN wait some more!!!!! And no Alexis. The bummer is that I bragged my ass off at work about my date to everyone, so everyone on Monday is expecting some juicy story. Well I go home and am pretty pissed off, so I decide to google search her email. Nothing. I then go search facebook for the email, nothing. I then go search the email at Myspace....... and................

The profile that pops up is for a 42 year old MAN named Alex. So looks like the mystery of the guy's voice when I called is solved. So am I a little pissed? Yeah. Am I FURIOUS? YOU BETCHA!!!!!!!!!!

You may be asking yourself at this moment, why would the furious gnome in all his glory ever repeat this story to anyone. Well, I feel I need to let everyone know that this kind of shit happens. You can never know who you are truly communicating with on this damn Internet. I mean, what if I had actually met this guy? This is like one of those messed up movies on Lifetime were someone goes missing. Jesus!

So I am over the whole Internet dating thing for now. Profile has been deleted on match.com. For now, I am back to meeting people in person.

So next stop on my quest for a girlfriend.... drum roll please!

The good ol fashioned bar scene. Alas, I am off!

Change is coming you A-holes!

Change is coming! Can you feel it! I know I can. This badass to the right happens to be my next president. And you can bet your ass I voted for him!

Here he is at a rally telling the crowd that "short people have feelings, they are contributing members to society, and frankly, sometimes I wish I was a little smaller!"

So for you hate mongers out there, we smaller folk have a president in our corner that cares, and will bring a whole lot of change come January!

I am failing to find the match on match.com

So far not so good. I have been patient, very patient. I have a very clever post up there about myself. Picture is absolutely fantastic. I look a lot like Leonardo DiCaprio when he was younger, like when he was 10. Ha Ha, that was a joke. No seriously I look like him when he was in his early 20's. I wish I looked like Frank Sinatra, if I could just sing like him, oh boy oh boy!

So if it is not the pic, and not the amazing bio I have wrote about myself, perhaps it is the fact that I put my true height down.

You know, I debated this one. I actually read several articles about this (yes, people published articles about short people and their experiences with online dating) and all the articles all said the same thing.... DON'T FRIGGIN LIE!

You could imagine what would happen if I put down there that I was 6 foot, and then showed up a foot shorter than advertised to a blind date. Safe to say the girl would be pissed. I don't know why, I mean I'm just as much a lover at 5 feet as I would be 6 feet. Sure it would look really strange but I would be game if she was. Don't horse jockey's date like supermodels? Well, I'm built like a horse jockey. In fact I am actually pretty damn tall for a horse jockey. Why the hell do horse jockey's get all the hot chicks? That ISN'T FRIGGIN FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways I am a real patient person. Keep sending in those emails, I got a whole bunch of them when I was out of town, so I will be answering them in the next few weeks. Until then, keep those heads high in GNOME NATION.

putting it on the line

So I just got back from a little vacation up north, it was incredible. I had a lot of free time to do some soul searching. I was also looking for some cute girls, but came up empty handed, and went home being in the same spot I was before I left.

So I did some thinking, and I went ahead and put it all on the line....

I signed up for Match.com. I'm not sure what to expect, but I have a great feeling about this.

I got a great pic up there, wrote some funny things about me, and put it all on the line.

Now I know everyone is going to hunt for me on there, and I'm sure I could make it a lot easier if I just told you all where to find my profile, but you know what?

I don't mix pleasure and blog.

Let's dip into the mail bag, shall we?!?

I would just like to dedicate some time to all the support I have gotten over this blog. The emails have been pouring in, and a lot of you have some great things to say. I would like to share a few emails with all of you that really spoke volumes of the understanding and sincerity of my fellow blog readers.

James from Nebraska wrote: "Hey little fella! Love your blog. Love everything about you. You seem like a great guy, don't worry about that girlfriend thing, they will be running after you before you know it!"

What a nice guy! James, I'm giving you a shout out on the blog. I think your cool too! When I finally win the lotto (It is in the works ladies and gentleman) you kind sir will have a seat on the plane on our way to paradise.

Beth from New York wrote: "I was tearing up and giggling at work reading your account of Pretty in Pink! Great outline of the movie, I just love that movie! However I loved the dress she came up with, don't forget that she didn't have much to work with, I mean her Dad couldn't really afford to get her a proper dress. Anywhoo, you keep writing and I'll keep reading!"

Wow Beth, thank you so much for writing in. I think that is awesome you loved my account of Pretty in Pink. You sound really attractive. How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Do you have a boyfriend? Do you want one? Because I am 100% single and ready to mingle. Think about it and get back to me. We are going to have to agree to disagree with the dress that she wears in the end though. Promise me that if and when we start dating you won't wear anything like that. Granted, I would let a girl wear a garbage bag out on a date with me if that would mean I would get to go on a date with a girl (I'M NOT DESPERATE IT'S JUST THAT I THINK A GARBAGE BAG WOULD BE HOTTER THAN THAT DRESS SHE WEARS IN THE END). I can agree with you 100% about her dad there, total deadbeat. Get a job!!!!! Loser!!!!!!! So we have something in common there hating her dad. You used the word anywhoo, that kind of makes me think that you are a little bit older, which isn't a big deal, I'm way into older chicks. Get in contact with me. Immediately.

Chris from California wrote: "Furious Gnome! You have an interesting sense of humor. Or at least I am hoping you have some kind of sense of humor and this isn't just you being you. But if it is that is cool I guess."

You know what Chris? I agonized over this one for awhile. I couldn't decide if it was a compliment or you were calling me a queer in some way. I favored caution here and thought that you were paying me a compliment. Thank you by the way for the compliment. Sometimes I make some jokes on here, but for the most part I am just being me. I'm a straight shooter. Looking for a girlfriend. Let me know if you know anyone who is looking for a boyfriend, as I also live in California. I'm willing to drive a little if necessary, like maybe 200-700 miles if need be. So don't let geography keep me and my future gal apart. Keep me posted.

Those were pretty much the cream of the crop for the nice emails. I say "nice" emails because there is a particular person on the Internet who has sent me some very hurtful emails. His name is Mitch and he is from New Jersey. It is people like Mitch who give people from New Jersey a bad name, because I have been to New Jersey, it was beautiful. But assholes like this give it a bad name.

Mitch wrote: "Furious Douche. I used to kick people like you around my Jr. High and later High School for fun. You keep talking about a girlfriend, give it up. You will never have a girlfriend. You wrote 2,000 words on Pretty in Pink, come on! Who are you kidding? Your a midget. If I ever saw you, I would pick you up and recycle you in a trash can. You could have 10,000 match.com profiles and you would never get a date, let alone a girlfriend. World of Warcraft? Case in point, so why don't you spend more time in your anti-reality and stop polluting the Internet. We have enough Psychos on here as is. Die."

Wow Mitch. And I thought I was furious. Sure I get a little angry from time to time, but you have some serious issues. I chose to share your email because I believe that there must be some good in there inside you. Do you have a girlfriend? Prove it! Your probably single just like me sitting at home on a Thursday night hating life because you never left High School. While the rest of us went on to college and got degrees in Computer Science you stayed home lifting weights or playing football. World of Warcraft Hater! What's your problem with that game? It doesn't bother you. Or is it that you just don't understand computers? You hear mouse and you want to call an exterminator you freakin idiot! I got news for you Mitch. Your an asshole, and there are more of us nice people than there are of you, so you'll get what's coming to you. And what is coming to you? Absolutely nothing loser! And I'm not going to die! I'm going to keep on keepin on! So go crawl back under the rock you came from in New Jersey. AND I'M NOT A MIDGET! DON'T CALL ME A MIDGET! I'M FIVE FEET TALL, THAT IS NOT A MIDGET!

Gosh, what a dick. Anyways, or anywhoo as Beth the hottie wrote, Mitch gave me an incredible idea. I think I'm going to give this online dating thing a try. And since Mitch spoke so highly of match.com, I think I will start there. I am going to remain optimistic, because personally I think I'm going to need 9,999 less accounts then he thinks. I'll keep all my loyal readers of GNOME NATION out there updated on my success.

Keep sending in those emails!

so i watched pretty in pink big freaking deal

So I told some coworkers that I watched this movie pretty in pink last night, they gave me a lot of crap for this. I had never seen it. It was on cinemax so I thought I would check it out, I mean they gave it like 3 stars. Also the only other thing on was Footloose and I just wasn't feeling Kevin Bacon. No offense to Kevin Bacon, just not right now, OK?

So the movie is basically about this stalker guy that follows around Molly Ringwald, his name is Ducky and for 99% of the movie you can't help but loathe him. He shows up at her work, rides his bike outside her house 24-7, basic stalker shit here. He even pulls the fire alarm at her work, what an asshole.

The film centers around the juxtaposition of the wealthy snobs of the town and the wrong side of the track freaks of the 80's. Andrew Dice Clay is in it and is incredible in a well acted role as a club bouncer, played with great conviction and dedication to the character. Outstanding performance by Mr. Dice Clay.

Instantly my favorite character became this guy Steph, played by James Spader, it was a real easy choice for me. You can't help but like this guy, he's dating this blond chick (played by the tasty Kate Vernon), thinks he is super awesome, and puts everyone else around him down. The guy is a real badass, years later happened to unlock the Stargate in 3 days, and is an overall asshole. Case closed. Cool ass dude in my book.

My least favorite character of the movie is a toss-up. At first I would say Ducky, he is ultra annoying, has major stalker tendencies, and can't live with the fact that he is trapped in the FRIEND ZONE with Molly. Molly doesn't like him, not even one bit, she is into this guy Blane (Blane was a hugely popular name for yuppies to name their little yuppie children in the late 80's). Ducky also does a fantastic job of cockblocking Molly the entire damn movie. However, the dude totally redeems himself in the last 10 minutes of the movie. He picks a fight with Steph over some petty shit, Steph happened to understandably call Molly a slut because she wouldn't hook up with him, Ducky took offense, which makes sense since he is emotionally unstable and obsessed with Molly, and tackled the guy in the hall way of their high school. I scored the fight a draw from a fighting standpoint, Ducky got one solid hit in the face on Steph's jaw, a nice right hander, Steph had a solid defensive posture during the altercation. It got broken up at the most opportune time for Ducky though, since Steph was about to go on the offensive and kick the shit out of him.

At the very end, Blane gets Molly back (they had some lame fight), but he gets her back at the expense of Ducky. Ducky could have engaged in the ultimate of cockblocks and sent Blane packing, but instead sets Molly free to pursue Blane. Ducky is rewarded with a really hot chick at the end of the movie, at least 10 times better than Molly, so safe to say he has an even hotter chick to stalk up on for the foreseeable future.

The other character that I don't like is Molly's deadbeat dad. He can't hold down a job, and worse, lies about having a job. He spends his days drinking beer out of a cooler on his front lawn (nothing wrong with that if you have a job, any job!). I just don't like him, and I get the impression he smells like sour milk.

The movie is OK. However, Molly makes a very interesting dress to wear to the prom. She first destroys the prom dress that the chick from Ghost Busters gave her, I don't really think she knew the dress was going to get destroyed by Molly, and if she did my money is on she wouldn't have handed it over.

This dress is some kind of 1986 Halloween nightmare, a real train wreck of a dress. Look, I'm not into dresses or claim to have any kind of advanced knowledge of dresses, don't assume this. It's just a real scary outfit. I mean the movie is called Pretty in Pink, I just don't get where they get Pretty. I mean the redhead definitely grows on you throughout the movie and by the end your seeing some major potential here. But the dress......... I just wouldn't call it "pretty." It is more like "Very original in Pink." And calling it very original is being nice.

phil jackson aka phil donahue

Does anyone follow basketball? Any Laker fans out there? I'm into the Lakers. Been checking out the preseason, basketball god Phil Jackson has a new haircut. Been letting it grow out, all flowing like. He even trimmed the beard. There is a lot of speculation as to why the change, it could be a lot of things, fresh start, wanting to impress the younger ladies out there or even his girlfriend (happens to be Laker owners daughter) or something crazier. We may never know, or will we?

While watching some old VHS tapes, I cam across a few old episodes of Donahue. This guy had a 26 year run, incredible. Jackson must be invoking some Donahue no nonsense attitude to guide these Lakers. And you know what? These guys need it. Choke artists in the finals. Donahue wouldn't have let that crap happen, he would have ripped their hearts out through their asses if he had to. Donahue was the real deal, a talk show host assassin. So I get the Donahue haircut, I think it is badass and sends a message: don't mess with Phil Jackson, or the Lakers.

napoleon complex; what's the big deal?

People give me this crap all the time. Dude, you have a napoleon complex. Or, hey, Napoleon, you suck. Why does that suck? I don't get it. What's the big deal with having a "napoleon complex?"

For starters. wasn't Napoleon a respected general? I understand he was French, ok, that might be a bit of a strike against him for some people, not me, personally I love french fries, french toast, french bread, these things are fantastic. French food is OK.

He wears some outlandish clothes. I shop at Banana Republic, so I am not exactly wearing white pants and navy blazers. I have seen some guys walking out of that place dressed in an ensemble looking something like what old Napoleon is wearing up there. I don't here anyone yelling at them about some damn Napoleon complex.

This image to the right gets Napoleon the most trouble out of all. The infamous "invade Russia in the middle of winter" tactic. Not exactly the slam dunk of military maneuvers. For some weird reason, only Russians can operate in this cold. I don't know why, and I can't even begin to speculate the reasons, I really have no clue. You would think Eskimos or even Penguins could put the smack down on the Russians in this scenario, but no dice for either. The Russians just can't be beat.

Where does the complex come from? Is it that Napoleon was a little guy, and acted a certain way? Was he like a little pit bull, a fighter that demanded respect? That must be what you all mean when you say, "hey, Napoleon, go put on your silly little hat!" But that doesn't make much sense. The way you all say it makes it sound like Napoleon was a straight up b*tch.

Look, I'm a tough guy because I need to be. If I wasn't, I'd get my ass kicked all the time. People would pick me up and toss me into things just for fun. Great fun for all, but not so much fun for me.

I have goals. I have great plans in the near future. One of those is to get a girlfriend. Then it won't matter even if I dress like Napoleon and start invading things, who cares.

Another goal of mine is to win the lotto. Still working on that one.

i'm just not into Tom Cruise

So I'm not really into Tom Cruise. People get give me a lot of crap for this. Hey he's a little guy like you, how can you hate on another vertically challenged dude? Look everyone, I just don't like him.

Why?

Katie Holmes.

But Mr. Gnome, how can you hate your own kind? Shouldn't all you smurfs stick together? Isn't that like Wesley Snipes hating on Danny Glover for being black? Well for starters, that isn't even a valid comparison, because both Wesley Snipes and Danny Glover can slam dunk a basketball, which I and Tom Cruise of course can't do unless we had a trampoline or some kind of rope suspension system that could pull one of us up there.

Oh, Mr. Gnome your enforcing some kind of stereotype saying they can slam dunk. Well, no I'm not!!!

Ever seen white men can't jump? Wesley Snipes can definitely slam dunk a basketball, and he rubs it in Woody Harrelson's face the whole damn movie.

Well what about Danny Glover? So your saying he can slam dunk too? Well Yes! Ever seen Predator 2? The dude kicked the piss out of the predator, I mean Apollo Creed couldn't do it in Predator 1 and Apollo is one ripped dude in Rocky, so safe to say if I was a betting man I would bet that Danny Glover could slam dunk a basketball, case closed.

Defeating Predator = Monster Jam Slam dunk

As I was saying, I'm not going to even begin to get onto Tom's religious beliefs. I'm even into Sci-fi but seriously that stuff is OUT there. I don't need any lawsuits, so I'll end it. Also for Katie's sake I don't want any beef with Tom, I respect her as a person. She was hot in that movie Go. Way hot. Pre Tom Cruise Katie Holmes just couldn't be beat. Dawson's Creek? That shit almost made me go out and by a row boat, I'm not kidding.

Tom Cruise cannot slam dunk a basketball. He can of course couch jump. Ever tried this? It's actually kind of fun. I did it as a kid, but doing it now is kind of exhilarating, give it a try sometime. I'm not so sure though doing it on national television on Oprah is a good idea, especially if people are starting to question your sanity. Now I don't think Oprah can slam dunk. But I can guarantee you this, she is built like a line backer, I'd take her on my flag football team any day before I took Tom Cruise.

So as I have clearly explained, and given plenty of hard evidence as to why, it should be easy to see why I'm just not into Tom Cruise, I mean I doubt I am the only person who has ever thought that Dustin Hoffman and Tom Cruise should have switched places on Rainman..... now Tom just be yourself! Hell of an actor!

dropping the work deuce

So I periodically find myself in a predicament. I'm sitting there, enjoying my cup of joe, having a staring contest with my computer monitor at work, and it hits me. I'm going to have to do the unthinkable.... drop the work deuce.

Now, I know for some people this isn't a big deal. For me, I used to love this scenario. I used to work in a large corporation, we had a huge building, something like 15 floors. With several bathrooms on each floor, the possibilities were endless, I personally never dropped the package off in the same place, had a nice rotation, you know, to keep things exciting. Also, it isn't exactly roses and fabreeze if you know what I mean, so I never tried to hit the same place twice.

I would load up on the free coffee, grab myself some leftover newspaper, and stalk my porcelain prey until I found something I could cozy on up to. The greatest part of the work deuce is that you are essentially getting paid to let one out of the old squeeze box... at one point I think I figured out I was getting paid $2.45 per deuce. Not bad if you ask me.

Now the ferry tale has ended. I now find myself in the nightmare scenario of all nightmare scenarios. I happen to work for a smaller company now, and we only have one depository per floor. In fact I can't even get into accounting upstairs to test out their facilities. To make maters worse it is a unisex bathroom, as in male and female use the same little room in there. Let me make it clear that this is the worst possible thing anyone could ever do ever ever ever. What the hell is management thinking?

Months go by before the inevitable happens...... let's just say there are reasons you don't pig out on sushi on your lunch break, anyways, I gotta go and I gotta go now. I try to get into accounting so I can drop in stealth mode, but of course, the door is closed, like what the hell are they hiding up there anyway?

I only have one choice. I won't go into much detail here, but this bathroom is maybe 3 feet by 3 feet, I mean it is SMALL. No windows, and some tiny little fan you'd find in a dollhouse. Safe to say I almost passed out. So my whole plan is to just sneak on out of there, but of course, I hear the dreaded jingle of the door handle... someone tries to open the door... I realize now that someone is going to be waiting outside. I stall, maybe two minutes, but realize that this is probably a bad idea, and of course, it was.

I open the door, and sure enough, guess who is standing there. Perhaps the only hot chick in the place, I mean she's really hot and likes to work out, has a bunch of hot friends, the kind of girl that would get drunk at the company Xmas party and make out with me. But guess what?

She runs in there, shuts the door, and BAM. It must of just consumed her. I hear coughing. I of course run back to my desk. I don't want to go down as the the guy that drops the nasty at work. But it is too late. She comes out all red faced, purely disgusted. I mean I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemies let alone a little nugget like this, and of course she tells everyone. She makes the rounds, letting everyone know she just walked into the cloud of doom, everyone knows, everyone I am sure is laughing their ass off.

My goal was to have a girlfriend by now, and the deadline has passed. This chick at work was about the only prospect I had, I pretty put all my eggs in this basket, and you fill in the blanks. This girl won't even come near me now. Even some dick at work that no one ever thought was EVER cool made some "oh I'm plugging my nose" gesture as he walked by my cubicle, and it was the highlight of every ones day. What a dick.

Safe to say from now on I am taking the time to walk across the street to the Wendy's and do my business there. Granted, it is a public facility, and has all the CONS of a public restroom, but you know what? When I leave, it is some stranger that has to deal with that nightmare in that room and not the HOTTEST CHICK AT WORK EVER.

thanks anyways old lady

So I find myself this last weekend checking out a baseball game, you know, America's past time. Why not. Personally I'm there for the Nachos and $8 beer, but who cares, right?

As a plus, I am told by those that know of such things, that it is a fan appreciation night. That means I am getting something for free, and granted, I'm not struggling and looking for handouts, but I can't say no to something really cool for free.

As we get out of the car, the free item has become rather obvious. Bad ass T-shirts, that say fan appreciation on them, so everyone will know when you wear it that you were there and they were not. Your friends will be super jealous, and the girls are going to go crazy for it.

So we get in line, show our tickets, and now it is time to get our free shirt!!! But you know what? I get handed what seems like an XXXXXXL T-shirt that wouldn't even fit Tommy Lasorda AFTER the weight watchers. Are you kidding me? So I ask this 192 year old person handing these out, "hey, you got anything here smaller than a freaking para sail?" And I get this, "would you prefer a child size?" A CHILD SIZE SHE SAYS. You know, this sort of thing doesn't bother me. Don't care, not going to get all worked up over B. Arthur or whatever the hell Golden Girl she looked like, I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My face might say I'm PISSED OFF and I may be a little redder in the face than usual (i got sunburned the day before is why) but trust me on the inside I am cool and composed. But you know what R-TARD is standing directly behind me??? Some underachieving FRAT BOY and the rest of his Neanderthal drunk friends... And of course they heard this exchange. So Alpha Male starts laughing and laughing. One of his friends with an IQ of ZERO makes some kind of comment like "awww is it going to cry?"

I think to myself, dear God turn me into the most badass ninja from feudal China and give me the strength to go DOUBLE DRAGON on these guys, give me the ability to impress EVERY GIRL in this stadium with powerful scissor kicks and swift and precise punches, and please don't let me break my glasses in the process (I am out of contacts right now, I don't want any glasses jokes!!!!!!! THIS ISN'T JR. HIGH) But you know what? I don't resort to violence. At least not in this world. I will go Mike Tyson on someone online, such as in this little game called WORLD OF WARCRAFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And besides, its not like I'm going to tell these brainiac frat boys to find me online and I will make you all sorry! I doubt they even play WOLRD OF WARCRAFT, and if they did I HIGHLY HIGHLY doubt they would give me their screen names, for obvious fear induced reasons of course. And even if they they did play, and they were very stupid enough to tell me how to find them in the WARCRAFT UNIVERSE, even asking them would confuse the old lady handing out big shirts, she would probably ask a billion stupid questions like what's that, what's a computer, how does electricity work. WHATEVER!!!!!!!

So I leave these guys and put it behind me, since it doesn't bother me, I mean not even one bit does it bother me. I have a HUGE shirt now. I was thinking I could turn it into kind of a muscle shirt, you know, cut the sleeves off and maybe some of the length and show some skin. I don't know, I am sure it will be a collector item someday, and if I'm not going to open my Super Man Dies comic in the Black Packaging then I sure as hell can't destroy this shirt. If and let me stress WHEN I get myself another girlfriend, I guess she can wear it around the house or to bed or something.

so why call yourself the furious gnome?

I've gotten a lot of emails from the blog asking me, so hey, what's up with your blogs name?


Well.... a joke I have heard before, actually I guess I was the joke, anyways someone called me a gnome once, and with the group of people I was with at that time it just really sticked. I didn't get that upset, I mean, gnomes aren't necessarily a bad thing, right? They seem to be real jolly people,not a care in the world. These guys over here to the right happen to have joined up in a band and are having the time of their lives. Lucky Gnomes! Who wouldn't want the fame, fortune, that come with being in a band.



So after awhile, let's just estimate I'd say about TEN years of gnome jokes and references, surprise gifts (who wraps up garden gnomes anyway?), and joke after joke after joke, I drew a line in the sand. The gnome to the left is simulating a JUDO chop to an adversary, excellent form by the way. Wile Martial Arts training has taken a back seat to other developments in my life, I have instead chosen to hone my skills in the WORLD OF WARCRAFT!!

Now I would embrace what those used against me, I would become, the FURIOUS GNOME!

who i am

I'm a hard working, tax paying, American man who also happens to be five feet tall. But that doesn't make me any less American, doesn't mean I pay less taxes. And I have an important job, I just don't work seasonally at the mall or as some hurtful folk like to say at the North Pole!! Pay respect to us tiny folk!! I realize that is not much of a threat, but you understand where I'm coming from.

Still, even with me being a very understanding and tolerable person, I can still get a little UPSET when people show no class. Examples of people saying things with NO CLASS are things like, hey little guy, I didn't know they make suits that small. Or look at that midget! I'M NOT A MIDGET! FIVE FEET TALL IS NOT BEING A MIDGET!

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with midgets, I'm not saying that. In fact I used to Tivo Little People Big World, I loved that show. I like midgets, like I said I am a very very tolerable and understanding person. Just don't call me a midget, OK?

It would blow your mind how many successful people there are out there who are on the smaller side. In fact, I think there should be a month dedicated throughout the year to smaller stature indviduals, we could even have a few days off work, now who wouldn't mind that?

Does being five feet tall bother you? If I had a quarter for everytime I heard that, I could buy enough computers to have a super computer. I would use it to win the lotto, buy a nice car, and date super models as a hobby. See this girl to the right? Something gives me the feeling that she wouldn't be impressed with my Ford Focus, despite the fact that I have a navigation system and leather seats, upgrades of course. So I am left with the realization that I really need to win the lotto.

But to answer the question, does being five feet tall bother you, well, NOOOOOOOOOOO! SO STOP ASKING ME THAT QUESTION!!!! It's getting old.

To wrap it up, If you play World of Warcraft, I'll see you out there, you better watch out!