putting it on the line

So I just got back from a little vacation up north, it was incredible. I had a lot of free time to do some soul searching. I was also looking for some cute girls, but came up empty handed, and went home being in the same spot I was before I left.

So I did some thinking, and I went ahead and put it all on the line....

I signed up for Match.com. I'm not sure what to expect, but I have a great feeling about this.

I got a great pic up there, wrote some funny things about me, and put it all on the line.

Now I know everyone is going to hunt for me on there, and I'm sure I could make it a lot easier if I just told you all where to find my profile, but you know what?

I don't mix pleasure and blog.

Let's dip into the mail bag, shall we?!?

I would just like to dedicate some time to all the support I have gotten over this blog. The emails have been pouring in, and a lot of you have some great things to say. I would like to share a few emails with all of you that really spoke volumes of the understanding and sincerity of my fellow blog readers.

James from Nebraska wrote: "Hey little fella! Love your blog. Love everything about you. You seem like a great guy, don't worry about that girlfriend thing, they will be running after you before you know it!"

What a nice guy! James, I'm giving you a shout out on the blog. I think your cool too! When I finally win the lotto (It is in the works ladies and gentleman) you kind sir will have a seat on the plane on our way to paradise.

Beth from New York wrote: "I was tearing up and giggling at work reading your account of Pretty in Pink! Great outline of the movie, I just love that movie! However I loved the dress she came up with, don't forget that she didn't have much to work with, I mean her Dad couldn't really afford to get her a proper dress. Anywhoo, you keep writing and I'll keep reading!"

Wow Beth, thank you so much for writing in. I think that is awesome you loved my account of Pretty in Pink. You sound really attractive. How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Do you have a boyfriend? Do you want one? Because I am 100% single and ready to mingle. Think about it and get back to me. We are going to have to agree to disagree with the dress that she wears in the end though. Promise me that if and when we start dating you won't wear anything like that. Granted, I would let a girl wear a garbage bag out on a date with me if that would mean I would get to go on a date with a girl (I'M NOT DESPERATE IT'S JUST THAT I THINK A GARBAGE BAG WOULD BE HOTTER THAN THAT DRESS SHE WEARS IN THE END). I can agree with you 100% about her dad there, total deadbeat. Get a job!!!!! Loser!!!!!!! So we have something in common there hating her dad. You used the word anywhoo, that kind of makes me think that you are a little bit older, which isn't a big deal, I'm way into older chicks. Get in contact with me. Immediately.

Chris from California wrote: "Furious Gnome! You have an interesting sense of humor. Or at least I am hoping you have some kind of sense of humor and this isn't just you being you. But if it is that is cool I guess."

You know what Chris? I agonized over this one for awhile. I couldn't decide if it was a compliment or you were calling me a queer in some way. I favored caution here and thought that you were paying me a compliment. Thank you by the way for the compliment. Sometimes I make some jokes on here, but for the most part I am just being me. I'm a straight shooter. Looking for a girlfriend. Let me know if you know anyone who is looking for a boyfriend, as I also live in California. I'm willing to drive a little if necessary, like maybe 200-700 miles if need be. So don't let geography keep me and my future gal apart. Keep me posted.

Those were pretty much the cream of the crop for the nice emails. I say "nice" emails because there is a particular person on the Internet who has sent me some very hurtful emails. His name is Mitch and he is from New Jersey. It is people like Mitch who give people from New Jersey a bad name, because I have been to New Jersey, it was beautiful. But assholes like this give it a bad name.

Mitch wrote: "Furious Douche. I used to kick people like you around my Jr. High and later High School for fun. You keep talking about a girlfriend, give it up. You will never have a girlfriend. You wrote 2,000 words on Pretty in Pink, come on! Who are you kidding? Your a midget. If I ever saw you, I would pick you up and recycle you in a trash can. You could have 10,000 match.com profiles and you would never get a date, let alone a girlfriend. World of Warcraft? Case in point, so why don't you spend more time in your anti-reality and stop polluting the Internet. We have enough Psychos on here as is. Die."

Wow Mitch. And I thought I was furious. Sure I get a little angry from time to time, but you have some serious issues. I chose to share your email because I believe that there must be some good in there inside you. Do you have a girlfriend? Prove it! Your probably single just like me sitting at home on a Thursday night hating life because you never left High School. While the rest of us went on to college and got degrees in Computer Science you stayed home lifting weights or playing football. World of Warcraft Hater! What's your problem with that game? It doesn't bother you. Or is it that you just don't understand computers? You hear mouse and you want to call an exterminator you freakin idiot! I got news for you Mitch. Your an asshole, and there are more of us nice people than there are of you, so you'll get what's coming to you. And what is coming to you? Absolutely nothing loser! And I'm not going to die! I'm going to keep on keepin on! So go crawl back under the rock you came from in New Jersey. AND I'M NOT A MIDGET! DON'T CALL ME A MIDGET! I'M FIVE FEET TALL, THAT IS NOT A MIDGET!

Gosh, what a dick. Anyways, or anywhoo as Beth the hottie wrote, Mitch gave me an incredible idea. I think I'm going to give this online dating thing a try. And since Mitch spoke so highly of match.com, I think I will start there. I am going to remain optimistic, because personally I think I'm going to need 9,999 less accounts then he thinks. I'll keep all my loyal readers of GNOME NATION out there updated on my success.

Keep sending in those emails!

so i watched pretty in pink big freaking deal

So I told some coworkers that I watched this movie pretty in pink last night, they gave me a lot of crap for this. I had never seen it. It was on cinemax so I thought I would check it out, I mean they gave it like 3 stars. Also the only other thing on was Footloose and I just wasn't feeling Kevin Bacon. No offense to Kevin Bacon, just not right now, OK?

So the movie is basically about this stalker guy that follows around Molly Ringwald, his name is Ducky and for 99% of the movie you can't help but loathe him. He shows up at her work, rides his bike outside her house 24-7, basic stalker shit here. He even pulls the fire alarm at her work, what an asshole.

The film centers around the juxtaposition of the wealthy snobs of the town and the wrong side of the track freaks of the 80's. Andrew Dice Clay is in it and is incredible in a well acted role as a club bouncer, played with great conviction and dedication to the character. Outstanding performance by Mr. Dice Clay.

Instantly my favorite character became this guy Steph, played by James Spader, it was a real easy choice for me. You can't help but like this guy, he's dating this blond chick (played by the tasty Kate Vernon), thinks he is super awesome, and puts everyone else around him down. The guy is a real badass, years later happened to unlock the Stargate in 3 days, and is an overall asshole. Case closed. Cool ass dude in my book.

My least favorite character of the movie is a toss-up. At first I would say Ducky, he is ultra annoying, has major stalker tendencies, and can't live with the fact that he is trapped in the FRIEND ZONE with Molly. Molly doesn't like him, not even one bit, she is into this guy Blane (Blane was a hugely popular name for yuppies to name their little yuppie children in the late 80's). Ducky also does a fantastic job of cockblocking Molly the entire damn movie. However, the dude totally redeems himself in the last 10 minutes of the movie. He picks a fight with Steph over some petty shit, Steph happened to understandably call Molly a slut because she wouldn't hook up with him, Ducky took offense, which makes sense since he is emotionally unstable and obsessed with Molly, and tackled the guy in the hall way of their high school. I scored the fight a draw from a fighting standpoint, Ducky got one solid hit in the face on Steph's jaw, a nice right hander, Steph had a solid defensive posture during the altercation. It got broken up at the most opportune time for Ducky though, since Steph was about to go on the offensive and kick the shit out of him.

At the very end, Blane gets Molly back (they had some lame fight), but he gets her back at the expense of Ducky. Ducky could have engaged in the ultimate of cockblocks and sent Blane packing, but instead sets Molly free to pursue Blane. Ducky is rewarded with a really hot chick at the end of the movie, at least 10 times better than Molly, so safe to say he has an even hotter chick to stalk up on for the foreseeable future.

The other character that I don't like is Molly's deadbeat dad. He can't hold down a job, and worse, lies about having a job. He spends his days drinking beer out of a cooler on his front lawn (nothing wrong with that if you have a job, any job!). I just don't like him, and I get the impression he smells like sour milk.

The movie is OK. However, Molly makes a very interesting dress to wear to the prom. She first destroys the prom dress that the chick from Ghost Busters gave her, I don't really think she knew the dress was going to get destroyed by Molly, and if she did my money is on she wouldn't have handed it over.

This dress is some kind of 1986 Halloween nightmare, a real train wreck of a dress. Look, I'm not into dresses or claim to have any kind of advanced knowledge of dresses, don't assume this. It's just a real scary outfit. I mean the movie is called Pretty in Pink, I just don't get where they get Pretty. I mean the redhead definitely grows on you throughout the movie and by the end your seeing some major potential here. But the dress......... I just wouldn't call it "pretty." It is more like "Very original in Pink." And calling it very original is being nice.

phil jackson aka phil donahue

Does anyone follow basketball? Any Laker fans out there? I'm into the Lakers. Been checking out the preseason, basketball god Phil Jackson has a new haircut. Been letting it grow out, all flowing like. He even trimmed the beard. There is a lot of speculation as to why the change, it could be a lot of things, fresh start, wanting to impress the younger ladies out there or even his girlfriend (happens to be Laker owners daughter) or something crazier. We may never know, or will we?

While watching some old VHS tapes, I cam across a few old episodes of Donahue. This guy had a 26 year run, incredible. Jackson must be invoking some Donahue no nonsense attitude to guide these Lakers. And you know what? These guys need it. Choke artists in the finals. Donahue wouldn't have let that crap happen, he would have ripped their hearts out through their asses if he had to. Donahue was the real deal, a talk show host assassin. So I get the Donahue haircut, I think it is badass and sends a message: don't mess with Phil Jackson, or the Lakers.

napoleon complex; what's the big deal?

People give me this crap all the time. Dude, you have a napoleon complex. Or, hey, Napoleon, you suck. Why does that suck? I don't get it. What's the big deal with having a "napoleon complex?"

For starters. wasn't Napoleon a respected general? I understand he was French, ok, that might be a bit of a strike against him for some people, not me, personally I love french fries, french toast, french bread, these things are fantastic. French food is OK.

He wears some outlandish clothes. I shop at Banana Republic, so I am not exactly wearing white pants and navy blazers. I have seen some guys walking out of that place dressed in an ensemble looking something like what old Napoleon is wearing up there. I don't here anyone yelling at them about some damn Napoleon complex.

This image to the right gets Napoleon the most trouble out of all. The infamous "invade Russia in the middle of winter" tactic. Not exactly the slam dunk of military maneuvers. For some weird reason, only Russians can operate in this cold. I don't know why, and I can't even begin to speculate the reasons, I really have no clue. You would think Eskimos or even Penguins could put the smack down on the Russians in this scenario, but no dice for either. The Russians just can't be beat.

Where does the complex come from? Is it that Napoleon was a little guy, and acted a certain way? Was he like a little pit bull, a fighter that demanded respect? That must be what you all mean when you say, "hey, Napoleon, go put on your silly little hat!" But that doesn't make much sense. The way you all say it makes it sound like Napoleon was a straight up b*tch.

Look, I'm a tough guy because I need to be. If I wasn't, I'd get my ass kicked all the time. People would pick me up and toss me into things just for fun. Great fun for all, but not so much fun for me.

I have goals. I have great plans in the near future. One of those is to get a girlfriend. Then it won't matter even if I dress like Napoleon and start invading things, who cares.

Another goal of mine is to win the lotto. Still working on that one.

i'm just not into Tom Cruise

So I'm not really into Tom Cruise. People get give me a lot of crap for this. Hey he's a little guy like you, how can you hate on another vertically challenged dude? Look everyone, I just don't like him.

Why?

Katie Holmes.

But Mr. Gnome, how can you hate your own kind? Shouldn't all you smurfs stick together? Isn't that like Wesley Snipes hating on Danny Glover for being black? Well for starters, that isn't even a valid comparison, because both Wesley Snipes and Danny Glover can slam dunk a basketball, which I and Tom Cruise of course can't do unless we had a trampoline or some kind of rope suspension system that could pull one of us up there.

Oh, Mr. Gnome your enforcing some kind of stereotype saying they can slam dunk. Well, no I'm not!!!

Ever seen white men can't jump? Wesley Snipes can definitely slam dunk a basketball, and he rubs it in Woody Harrelson's face the whole damn movie.

Well what about Danny Glover? So your saying he can slam dunk too? Well Yes! Ever seen Predator 2? The dude kicked the piss out of the predator, I mean Apollo Creed couldn't do it in Predator 1 and Apollo is one ripped dude in Rocky, so safe to say if I was a betting man I would bet that Danny Glover could slam dunk a basketball, case closed.

Defeating Predator = Monster Jam Slam dunk

As I was saying, I'm not going to even begin to get onto Tom's religious beliefs. I'm even into Sci-fi but seriously that stuff is OUT there. I don't need any lawsuits, so I'll end it. Also for Katie's sake I don't want any beef with Tom, I respect her as a person. She was hot in that movie Go. Way hot. Pre Tom Cruise Katie Holmes just couldn't be beat. Dawson's Creek? That shit almost made me go out and by a row boat, I'm not kidding.

Tom Cruise cannot slam dunk a basketball. He can of course couch jump. Ever tried this? It's actually kind of fun. I did it as a kid, but doing it now is kind of exhilarating, give it a try sometime. I'm not so sure though doing it on national television on Oprah is a good idea, especially if people are starting to question your sanity. Now I don't think Oprah can slam dunk. But I can guarantee you this, she is built like a line backer, I'd take her on my flag football team any day before I took Tom Cruise.

So as I have clearly explained, and given plenty of hard evidence as to why, it should be easy to see why I'm just not into Tom Cruise, I mean I doubt I am the only person who has ever thought that Dustin Hoffman and Tom Cruise should have switched places on Rainman..... now Tom just be yourself! Hell of an actor!