Be afraid. Be very afraid.

If this doesn't scare the hell out of you then you must have had Freddy Kruegar as a dad and Charles Manson as an uncle.

The complete and utter precision of these JUDO moves by Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin are terrifying.

Although this is a "sparring match," I can guarantee Putin had his sparring partner "put down" after the fight so he could not share any of his moves with his perceived enemies, real or imagined.

With such force and perfection are the JUDO moves, it has become obvious to me that Putin might be the most feared man in the world, second only to Tom Cruise circa Top Gun era.

Imagine a strike force of Putin on the ground, eliminating ground forces with extreme ease, and Maverick in the air, taking care of any enemy fighters in close range dog fights.

You have been warned world. There is a new badass in town, and his name is Vladimir Putin.

Superman, meet Kryptonite, with a side of Judo backhand across the face.

What really happened to Tiger.

Leave it to Asia to unravel this incredible escapade.

The CGI reenactment is absolutely priceless. It gets incredible at about 19 seconds.




I know what a lot of people are thinking. Oh he is famous. Girls throw themselves at him. But you know what? Dude has made a billion dollars playing golf of all things. He has a beautiful wife. Actually, she is beyond beautiful, and appears to be very supportive of her husband. She gave him two beautiful kids. What more could a guy ask for?

If the Asians are correct, and she attached Tiger for learning about his infidelity, and attacked him with claws of fury like the video suggests, and finished his Escalade off with a 3 wood...... she just got hotter in my book. Like lava.

And by the look of things, she could be on the open market real quick. I'm no mathmatician, but 50% of a billion dollars is enough to get my attention. Oh, and the blond hair, blue eyes thing, that gets my attention as well.

Do you wanna be my girlfriend?

This chick went completey nuts during a soccer game between New Mexico and BYU. Now, Mormons can get on peoples nerves, I get that, but this is something else.

After getting a cheap shot elbow to the ribs, this chick goes FURIOUS GNOME on the entire BYU girls soccer team.

I haven't seen this much ass kicking since Rambo First Blood part II.




My favorite part is when she grabs the pony tail of that chick and flips her on her back.

KICK ASS!

The Strongest Gnome in the World

The Furious Gnome salutes the winner for 2009, strongest Gnome in the World contest.

Meet Guliano Stroe, from Romania, who happens to be able to benchpress 225, not to mention that he is also only 6 years old! In his spare time, he likes to curl Chevy Malibu's and eat glass.

Jesus if I had this kids strength back in school, I could have shown all those jocks who was boss!

Now, I just watch in amazement, knowing full well that this 6 year old could easily kick my ass.

Japan is ready for space travel

I watched all 9+ minutes of this. It became apparent to me that Japan is ready for space travel.

If I had to fly to some distant galaxy, I would want to do it in a spaceship built by Japan.

After doing some research on the internet, I have learned that the Japanese are 4 to 5 years away from having a working Millennium Falcon prototype, which is capable of speeds in excess of 1.5 past light speed.

This picture was taken in a suburb outside of Tokyo, but is pretty much representative of any city in Japan.

Recent reports suggest robots will completely outnumber humans in Japan as early as 2021.

By 2030 robots will have completely colonized the moon, and will help in building the first Maki Yaki on Saturn's ice moon of Titan.

Safe to say when I want to buy my first robot, you can rest assured it will have been made in Japan.

All my research today on Japan taught me this: if you want to time travel, and can't afford a flying Doloreon, or don't have access to a Klingon Bird of Prey for a slingshot around the sun maneuver, you may just want to book yourself a plane ticket to Japan. 18 hours later, and you can find yourself in the year 2589.

And the Lord said, let there be Ron Artest

As Giddy as a schoolboy I am at this upcoming NBA season, and this picture encapsulates my utter joy. For starters, Ron Ron is a Laker. Awesome. Second, and not much of a secret, but Ron Ron is mentally unstable. To call him crazy would be an insult to crazy people.

No, Ron is a special crazy. Take a look at his mask. Crazy? Yes. But not that crazy for Ron.

What is really scary here is the genius who thought it would be a "good idea" to give Ron Artest a baseball bat. Gee, I wonder what he is going to do with that.

What makes this picture so special, is that Ron is looking into the eyes of someone right now, and you see how he is pointing at someone with that bat? Literally scaring the poo poo out of someone.

Am I excited for the season? Yes. Do I think Ron Artest will help the lakers win? Of course. Will I be surprised to see him at some point choke out Jack Nicholson? Absolutely not.

God bless you Ron Artest.

Duece smelling, by Doris Burke

Look, I like Doris Burke. I think she has done much for broadcasting. In fact, she happens to be an incredible announcer and color commentator. I like her interviews during the current NBA finals. She asks Phil Jackson good questions. She keeps her distance from Stan Van Gundy, obviously in fear he may "think" she has a butterfinger in her pocket and do something drastic. She is a good person, great journalist, and was a fantastic player in her younger days.

However, I find the following commentary during a college basketball game a little disturbing.



I don't know about you, but describing someone who is "good at smelling dueces" just isn't a great thing to announce on national television.

But that is just me.

the hottest sh*t out right now. Kobe is the best by Lil Wayne

Even the kobe haters have to admit, this shit is hot. Red hot.




Sick flow from Lil Wayne describing Kobe Bryant, the 5th element.

Perhaps my favorite song right now.

Lil Wayne, The Furious Gnome salutes you. From one small dude to another, this shit is hot.

Eminem gets ass in his face

Oh my I peed my pants on this one. Eminem is one badass furious gnome, I believe he is like 5-5. And generally pissed off. Famous for going off on Christina Aguilera, gay people, his kids mother, just about anyone is fair game for him.

Fake or not, slim shady gets an ass in his face from none other than Bruno, the Borat star who has a new movie coming out.

Just incredible.

More TNG

These got me all busted up. Laughing so hard my Mom was knocking on my bedroom door thinking I was "drinking too many redbulls again." Yeah right Mom. Just spending my time on youtube living the dream.

Here is Data in the mix for the Vulcan ambassador:



Deanna Troy laughs her ass off at Riker. Classic.

And this one with Picard giving his classic "B" performance.

Data goes all Furious Gnome on him....



Data drops the F bomb on the Captain and Riker has to slap him around a bit.

In case any of you are wondering, I still have no girlfriend, live at home with my parents, and have an abundance of free time.

But I have the job interview of a lifetime tomorrow. If I can pull this off and charm them, I will be set for the rest of my life.

Wish me luck!

Getting Down With The Next Generation

I loved Star Trek The Next Generation. This essentially made many of my Friday nights growing up. Loved this show.

Picard? Legit. Riker? Pimp a$$ player. Deanna Troy? My place or yours. Wesley Crusher? Dude, you got to kiss a very young and hot Ashley Jud in episode 106: The game. Major hotness.

Am I alone? I think not. This show in a lot of ways was more important than my high school education. In fact, check out this gem I found on youtube, a hot rap duo putting it on the line for TNG.



Check it, playas!

And if that wasn't enough, check this out:



This is my main man Picard getting down. Actually, it is a funny edit of a bunch of episodes and some movie Jean Luc was in.

Your welcome my friends.

An incredibly awkward four minutes

I like the Lakers. I like Hip Hop. I like Kobe Bryant.

I wish I could play for the Lakers, but I have no basketball skills. I would love to be a rap star, but my lyrical skills are amature at best. And let's face it folks, I am no Kobe. I can't exactly slam dunk a basketball.

In any case, since my love for Lakers-Hip Hop-Kobe is a well known fact, one would think I would love the following clip. Just to recap it for you, this is Kobe Bryant featuring Tyra Banks. Someone gave Kobe a microphone and put on some hip hop beats. Somehow Tyra shows up.

What follows is the most awkward moment of my life, 10 times more awkward than the time I peed my pants in 8th grade and had to wear my PE shorts for the rest of the day (which no one does unless you pee your pants)




Apparently Shaq was so jealous of how lame this was, that he could not let Kobe have all the fun.

Shaq's response:




Jesus Christ guys. Stick to basketball. Thanks.

And yes Shaq, you are quite outstanding. And modest.

The Philosopher Bruce Lee

In the quest for a girlfriend I believe channeling some inner Bruce Lee philosophy will help me in my quest.

Bruce Lee was incredible. After spending what felt like 5 days straight on youtube, I came across this gem.




At 1:25 is where the video really opens up. At that point Bruce is speaking directly to the viewer.

He wasn't only a master of Kung Fu, but a philosopher with a very unique style and interpretation of the things around him.

I would be lying if I said I never day dreamed about having the skills of Bruce Lee. They would be incredible handy for a guy like me, who often times finds himself in some compromising situations, real misunderstandings with people if you ask me.

Not two days ago I found myself in one of these situations while standing in line at Del Taco. I was in there around 2 pm, and the local high school just got out, huge mistake, because there were 2,000 kids in there. I wait and wait in line, (I have no car right now, hence this BS situation) and finally I'm like the next person and this football player dude just cuts in front of me. I didn't even see where he came from, but there he was.

The guy behind the counter sees all of this, and was wearing this look on his face that was like "hey you just cutted" which made the guy turn around and look at me. This is where the Bruce Lee in me would like to take over, and ask this punk if he would like to ENTER THE DRAGON and give him a scissor kick that would put him through the window, teaching him a lesson that you just can't CUT IN FRONT OF SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TOO. I understand I am not that imposing of a figure, but still, you can't be that dumb you don't understand the concept of a line moron.

I would say something like, "you picked on the wrong small guy my friend" and proceed to put on a martial arts display the likes which haven't been seen. Of course there would be some hot chick or something in there that would be impressed beyond imagination and would agree to multiple dates with me.

But I have no Bruce Lee skills. The jock stared at me, and I looked away. Granted, this kid is probably like 17 years old, but that doesn't change the fact that he could body slam me WWF style. I would be embarrassed, and it would feel just like High School again.

So I had to wait like 2 extra minutes to get my big fat chicken tacos. But I live another day.

Until then, I'm going to play more street fighter 2 and practice some moves.

The $5 foot long girl in the yellow gloves

Christ almighty I think your real hot. Why do they only show you for 2 seconds?

I really like your gloves too, not sure if anyone told you that. You look like your a lot of fun too. You have some dance moves. I like that. Would you like to earn $5 the hard way?

Let me introduce myself to you. I live at home with my parents. But they are cool I guess. I'm not technically working right now, but that is OK. Your doing commercials, so we would have some cash flow to get us through these tough times. All you need is love, right? And your paychecks of course.

At $5 a foot sweetheart, 25 bucks is all it takes to get me. Think about it.

The Genius of Ron Artest

I would like to take this opportunity to introduce a very special friend of mine, Mr. Ron Artest. The embodiment of what the furious gnome is all about. Here is a man with a plan. In the picture to the right, you can see Ron Ron getting to know somebody in his special way. You can almost hear him thinking, a twist of the wrist, and it will all be over... shhhhhhhhhhh, shhhhhhh, go to sleep.

I like this guy. A lot. Majorly Furious dude. Upset at all of mankind. Apocolypse Now.

In that movie Armageddon, Ron Artest played the role of the asteroid.

The NBA playoffs are going on right now, and everyone is talking about the Kobe Bryant / Ron Artest match up. Cool. Great. I'm thinking of some epic matchups here with Ron Artest.


Ron Artest vs. Alien. Now this is a hell of a match up. Alien has corrosive acid breath. Sneaky as all hell. Operates best in the confines of a spaceship, preferably one in deep space. But can it defend a pick and roll? No. Has alien ever been suspended by the league for an entire season? No. Can the alien bench press a dodge Neon? Hell no. Advantage Artest.


I'd like to see Captain Ron get into acting once he is done with shooty hoops. He would make the ultimate villain. If I was the director, I would berate him and insult him right before a scene, to get the juices going. Action! You know he would give the performance of a lifetime.

ESPN is reporting on the last Rockets / Lakers game. They pulled this quote from Ron:

"'Five Dollar Foot-long' is one of the best songs," Artest said. "That's a hot song. You've got the FreeCreditReport.com, and then 'Five Dollar Foot-long' comes on. When 'Five Dollar Foot-long' comes on, they should play that in the club. They should play all those in the club."

I'm not making this shit up. Do you understand why I consider this guy a genious now? Game 7 of the second round. Contract year for Mr. Artest. Matched up against one of the games greats in Kobe. His face says he wants to kill. His eyes burn an intense fire. But in his head?

Five, five, five dollar foot long!

You got to love this guy. Your a class act in my book Captain Ron.

Ron does have me thinking though, about that hot chick from the five dollar foot long commercial. More on that later.

playing the game

When your at a bar, and the bartender winks at you and flirts, it is natural to think that she is in to you. Your the best looking guy in the place, right? It seems like she is paying extra special attention to you. When she comes down to my section at the bar, she asks me first if I need another. The reality is your getting no extra attention. She comes down to your section of the bar because she has to. She asks if you need another because your drink is empty.

But these things, these don't concern a man when he is a couple deep at the local tavern. Without a doubt, bet the house on it certainty, this girl is into you. So you start with subtle stares that in all actuality are not so subtle. You try to make coy conversation and sound smooth and intelligent, when really your shouting. Loudly.

At this point, a common tendency is to develop some kind of unilateral relationship with this girl. And you know what? In the 15 minutes you've have known each other, things have been great. Confidence is back. With each would "you like a another?" and "so what are your plans for the weekend?" offerings of dialogue from this gorgeous bartender, your confidence swells, things are good. I'm back.

And then, when your basking in your accomplishments and patting yourself on the back, you notice out of the corner of your eye, that your most prized possession, is spending a little more time with the clean cut preppy guy at the end of the bar. And he tips. Big. So suddenly, your caught in a poker match for the attention of the bartender. You raise with a 3 dollar tip against his 2, he comes back with 4 for a 5 beer. Too rich for my blood! And she is gone. What could have been. Our children would have been beautiful.

In the grand scheme of things, the hot bartender went home alone. She probably has a boyfriend anyway, who works out and has a steady job. I sure know I need all of those things.

The great news is that tomorrow is a new day, and I can try again. Her shift starts at 3 PM.

I'm back!

Hello all my friends who love and support all that the furious gnome does!

Gnome, where the hell have you been?

Well, let me answer that very interesting question. I left all of you back in November; quick recap.... I was in need of a girlfriend, was trying out match.com and had dudes up on me, was SUPER BUSY at work, and generally pretty pissed off for no reason.

You might look at all this and feel sorry for me.... well.... don't! God came down from the heavens and opened up a doorway of opportunity for me. I had a series of events unfold that led me on a path of discovery and exploits of epic proportions.

Event #1 - I got laid off from my job. For the first week or so of this it was a bit of a nightmare, as I have these obligations, like rent. It is tough to go to your landlord and get him to understand that you can't make rent at the end of the month. In hindsight, if any of you ever can't pay rent, don't go tell your landlord. Wait until the end of the month when it is due. You will only piss the guy (or gal) off. So I told this asshole and he freaked out, reminded me that I was month to month, and he would like me to leave at the end of the month. I was going to hit up the parents, but now I didn't have that chance. So no job = no money = move back home with parents.

Event #2 - MY PARENTS DO NOT HAVE AN INTERNET CONNECTION WITH SUFFICIENT BANDWIDTH TO PLAY WORLD OF WARCRAFT. Enough said.

Event #3 - I FREAK THE HELL OUT. Look, I play a lot of online video games. It is how I deal with the stress and the rigors of everyday life. My parents gave me the option of paying for the internet myself, but I was broke as a joke. So that wasn't an option. Unemployment wasn't going to kick in for a month, so I was desperate.

Event #4 - A friend of mine who is completing his masters in London happened to hit me up on the blog. He mentioned that he had like 4 to 5 months off until the summer session started back up. He told me stories of epic tales of the women out there, most of them involved some kind of a girl from Eastern Europe, whatever the hell that meant. Anyways, this friend of mine was getting laid. Constantly. He aint no George Clooney either. So I'm thinking, hey, I got some free time here, no money, but if the money situation changed, maybe I could go to Europe and explore for a bit and try my hand out there. I told my parents and they basically said I was a moron and should instead be looking for "a steady job that pays well." WELL NOW HOW THE HELL IS THAT GOING TO GET ME A GIRLFRIEND? I HAD A GOD DAMN JOB AND I NEVER GOT LAID!!!!!!!!!!!

Event #4 - Further research on the European option revealed the dagger in the heart of the stay at home with my parents and look for a job scenario. I was checking out Italy, you know, great food, greater girls, when I realized that these Italians are all like 5 feet tall. Not all of them, but I mean a huge amount. And they all seemed pissed off and real up in your face kind of people. It suddenly clicked for me. Hey, that is me! I'm pissed off most of the time, love getting in peoples face from time to time, and I happen to also be about 5 feet tall...... And so the great adventure began to take shape. I was going to Europe to pursue my destiny.

Getting to Europe was not easy. I had to sell my Ford Focus. I sold it to a guy that lived down the street for a great price, and had enough left over to buy a ticket out there and have some spending cash. Granted, not enough to last me forever (I'm not going to Guatemala or something) but enough to have some fun. I thought I would spend a few weeks out there, enjoy the coast, have a few laughs.

So I leave for Europe. First stop, London. And boy was my friend right. Summer time, and the livin easy!

I made out with a girl the first week I was there. She looked like she had been drinking all day. Red in the face, slurring pretty bad. That's the thing out there, they are all a bunch of boosers. 9 am and the pubs are packed. My kind of place.

We travel to Amsterdam, for legal reasons I cannot disclose the amount of fun I had there (also my mom checks out the blog from time to time)

We make it out to Prague to check out this Eastern European Women thing, and the legends are true. Fish in the barrel scenario. Awesome beyond imagination. It was about this time I ran out of money. I had been having so much fun drinking and socializing that I wasn't aware that all this fun was costing a pretty penny. More like tens of thousands of pennies.

I was starting to get a little bummed about the money thing. I had options. Go home and back to the lame life I had, not a real sexy option if you ask me. Call my parents and ask for money, knowing I would get a NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Or, like all good things in life, wait for my destiny to come to me. And oh did it come.

My friend ends up through email correspondence finding out that another one of his Italian buddies would be holed up in his parents vacation home on the Italian Riviera. He basically said come on down and stay a few months. I of course was invited as well. In a moment I went to being some American bum in Europe to being the Last King of Italy. I take the last euros I had and get a ticket to Italy with my friend.

Finally, I was home. Short people all over the place in Italy. Food? Incredible. Girls? Forgiving of my looks. I seemed to have the most luck with the ones who did not have a master of the English language. I guess they thought all my World of Warcraft stories were tales of an NFL career or a Rockstar persona, who knows.

We spend a month just soaking in the Italian weather, it was winterish out there at the time but ask me if I really cared. It might as well have been paradise for me.

So I had the time of my life. I didn't really touch a computer for 3 months, other than the occasional email. And you know what? I'm better for it. There is a whole world out there to explore. I encourage all of you to get the hell out of America for a few months.

About the only thing that bothered me was the emails from Mitch from New Jersey. You may remember this guy from a few months back when I opened up the mail bag. I had maybe 200 to 300 emails regarding the blog (sorry for not getting back to all of you guys while I was in Europe, I was busy) but this Mitch asshole just kept emailing and emailing. I got into an email war with him, finally having to just send him to my junk email for now. I have since sent him some photos of me with the girls I was hanging out with out there, but his response was any dork like me has mastered photoshop. Well screw you Mitch! They were real, and I do have a master of photoshop, just didn't use it this time!

So now I'm back in the States. Without a car, but with plenty of stories.

Have a good week gnome nation.

the furious gnome