I'm back!

Hello all my friends who love and support all that the furious gnome does!

Gnome, where the hell have you been?

Well, let me answer that very interesting question. I left all of you back in November; quick recap.... I was in need of a girlfriend, was trying out match.com and had dudes up on me, was SUPER BUSY at work, and generally pretty pissed off for no reason.

You might look at all this and feel sorry for me.... well.... don't! God came down from the heavens and opened up a doorway of opportunity for me. I had a series of events unfold that led me on a path of discovery and exploits of epic proportions.

Event #1 - I got laid off from my job. For the first week or so of this it was a bit of a nightmare, as I have these obligations, like rent. It is tough to go to your landlord and get him to understand that you can't make rent at the end of the month. In hindsight, if any of you ever can't pay rent, don't go tell your landlord. Wait until the end of the month when it is due. You will only piss the guy (or gal) off. So I told this asshole and he freaked out, reminded me that I was month to month, and he would like me to leave at the end of the month. I was going to hit up the parents, but now I didn't have that chance. So no job = no money = move back home with parents.

Event #2 - MY PARENTS DO NOT HAVE AN INTERNET CONNECTION WITH SUFFICIENT BANDWIDTH TO PLAY WORLD OF WARCRAFT. Enough said.

Event #3 - I FREAK THE HELL OUT. Look, I play a lot of online video games. It is how I deal with the stress and the rigors of everyday life. My parents gave me the option of paying for the internet myself, but I was broke as a joke. So that wasn't an option. Unemployment wasn't going to kick in for a month, so I was desperate.

Event #4 - A friend of mine who is completing his masters in London happened to hit me up on the blog. He mentioned that he had like 4 to 5 months off until the summer session started back up. He told me stories of epic tales of the women out there, most of them involved some kind of a girl from Eastern Europe, whatever the hell that meant. Anyways, this friend of mine was getting laid. Constantly. He aint no George Clooney either. So I'm thinking, hey, I got some free time here, no money, but if the money situation changed, maybe I could go to Europe and explore for a bit and try my hand out there. I told my parents and they basically said I was a moron and should instead be looking for "a steady job that pays well." WELL NOW HOW THE HELL IS THAT GOING TO GET ME A GIRLFRIEND? I HAD A GOD DAMN JOB AND I NEVER GOT LAID!!!!!!!!!!!

Event #4 - Further research on the European option revealed the dagger in the heart of the stay at home with my parents and look for a job scenario. I was checking out Italy, you know, great food, greater girls, when I realized that these Italians are all like 5 feet tall. Not all of them, but I mean a huge amount. And they all seemed pissed off and real up in your face kind of people. It suddenly clicked for me. Hey, that is me! I'm pissed off most of the time, love getting in peoples face from time to time, and I happen to also be about 5 feet tall...... And so the great adventure began to take shape. I was going to Europe to pursue my destiny.

Getting to Europe was not easy. I had to sell my Ford Focus. I sold it to a guy that lived down the street for a great price, and had enough left over to buy a ticket out there and have some spending cash. Granted, not enough to last me forever (I'm not going to Guatemala or something) but enough to have some fun. I thought I would spend a few weeks out there, enjoy the coast, have a few laughs.

So I leave for Europe. First stop, London. And boy was my friend right. Summer time, and the livin easy!

I made out with a girl the first week I was there. She looked like she had been drinking all day. Red in the face, slurring pretty bad. That's the thing out there, they are all a bunch of boosers. 9 am and the pubs are packed. My kind of place.

We travel to Amsterdam, for legal reasons I cannot disclose the amount of fun I had there (also my mom checks out the blog from time to time)

We make it out to Prague to check out this Eastern European Women thing, and the legends are true. Fish in the barrel scenario. Awesome beyond imagination. It was about this time I ran out of money. I had been having so much fun drinking and socializing that I wasn't aware that all this fun was costing a pretty penny. More like tens of thousands of pennies.

I was starting to get a little bummed about the money thing. I had options. Go home and back to the lame life I had, not a real sexy option if you ask me. Call my parents and ask for money, knowing I would get a NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Or, like all good things in life, wait for my destiny to come to me. And oh did it come.

My friend ends up through email correspondence finding out that another one of his Italian buddies would be holed up in his parents vacation home on the Italian Riviera. He basically said come on down and stay a few months. I of course was invited as well. In a moment I went to being some American bum in Europe to being the Last King of Italy. I take the last euros I had and get a ticket to Italy with my friend.

Finally, I was home. Short people all over the place in Italy. Food? Incredible. Girls? Forgiving of my looks. I seemed to have the most luck with the ones who did not have a master of the English language. I guess they thought all my World of Warcraft stories were tales of an NFL career or a Rockstar persona, who knows.

We spend a month just soaking in the Italian weather, it was winterish out there at the time but ask me if I really cared. It might as well have been paradise for me.

So I had the time of my life. I didn't really touch a computer for 3 months, other than the occasional email. And you know what? I'm better for it. There is a whole world out there to explore. I encourage all of you to get the hell out of America for a few months.

About the only thing that bothered me was the emails from Mitch from New Jersey. You may remember this guy from a few months back when I opened up the mail bag. I had maybe 200 to 300 emails regarding the blog (sorry for not getting back to all of you guys while I was in Europe, I was busy) but this Mitch asshole just kept emailing and emailing. I got into an email war with him, finally having to just send him to my junk email for now. I have since sent him some photos of me with the girls I was hanging out with out there, but his response was any dork like me has mastered photoshop. Well screw you Mitch! They were real, and I do have a master of photoshop, just didn't use it this time!

So now I'm back in the States. Without a car, but with plenty of stories.

Have a good week gnome nation.

the furious gnome